Ah, how time flies. I wrote this blog post nearly two decades ago, years before I had a grasp of my own ADHD or an explanation for my challenges with executive function (like putting myself to bed!). I want to re-share this post with you because it captures a moment in time when I was not so understanding or kind to myself. Maybe that’s where you find yourself right now, too. Now, while putting myself to bed remains a daily effort (being awake is so interesting, after all!), I’m much better at it — and I am much gentler with myself in the struggle of it all. That is my hope for you, too.
It’s 10:00 p.m., and I’m exhausted from a long, 18-hour day. My eyes are bleary, my mind is beginning to miss every other thought in my head, and my brain processes … nothing. I shake myself alert, but it’s fleeting as I continue to stare at my computer screen. I’m conscious that sleep would feel blissful. Yet, I resist putting myself to bed.
At this moment, I think longingly of my friends with well-ordered lives. You know the ones: If you call them after 9:30 p.m., if someone does pick up the phone it’s followed by those enviable words, “She’s already asleep,” or “You missed her, she just went to bed.”
In those well-ordered homes, sleep is guarded; it’s respected and revered for what it provides during the waking hours of the day: rest, sanity, clear-headedness, health, an even temper, alertness, attention.
I honor their ability and admire it. Simultaneously, I’m jealous of those who have the “discipline” to put themselves to sleep, routinely, at a “reasonable hour.” I understand the importance of adequate sleep, at least in theory.
After all, I dutifully put my own children to bed at hours that allow for (almost) enough sleep, even taking into account the inevitable pre-bedtime shenanigans. In the morning, I ask them how they slept. At the first hint of illness, I implement an early bedtime (and extra water. “Are you hydrating?” is always my first question when someone starts feeling puny). Truly, I am a believer in that “early-to-bed-early-to-rise” adage of child-rearing.
So why can’t I apply that adage to myself?
Almost every evening it’s the same thing – at 10:00 p.m., my husband and I start talking about how late it’s getting. Then, in the next breath, we pine over how much more we want to get done before the next day. And so we return to our respective emails or household chores “to get ahead” of tomorrow. Around 11:00 p.m. one of us remarks, again, at the lateness of the hour and that we really should get some sleep. The other agrees. The clock ticks on, the ping of another email signaling that others, too, are awake – providing external validation that we’re not crazy, others are doing the very thing we are and, let’s be serious, when else during the day are we going to get this stuff done, anyway?!
On a good night, just before midnight, one of us gives up, eyes glazed, unable to focus. If all is well, it will motivate the other to wrap it up and head upstairs, close up the house, retrieve glasses of water (see?), put away the dog for the night (or, if too tired, break our own rules and invite her upstairs with us). On other nights, the pull is too great, the workload too large, or, better yet, the task nearly done, the possibility of completion seemingly within our grasp… And so we push on.
So maybe it will be 12:30 a.m., 1:00 a.m., or later before I finally do get to bed and gratefully settle in between the sheets. I glance up at the digital display and do quick math, processing just how much (or little) sleep I’m likely to get, mentally calculating the next day’s level of fatigue and bracing myself against possible mind-racing so that I can, at last, fall asleep for a few blessed moments before my 6 a.m. alarm rings out.
Article continues below…
Want to Go from Chaos to Calm?
Download a free tipsheet, “10 Tips for Calm & Confident Parenting.” Use the coach-approach to change the tone in your home or classroom — starting now!
The Mental Gymnastics of Sleep
I know I need eight hours to be at my best. But getting those eight hours is a pipe dream beyond my grasp most nights. The mental gymnastics go like this:
- Seven hours will do it well enough for me, allowing me enough rest to think clearly and access the stores of calm and patience necessary to navigate the average day of a working mom with three complex kids.
- Once I get down to six hours, I’m pushing it. That’s not really enough sleep, but if I slip into my covers before midnight – before it’s actually tomorrow – I can at least applaud myself (I like to celebrate the small victories in life!).
- All too often, though, that number dips below the six-hour mark, and at that point anything less is simply … not enough. Of course I’m aware that tomorrow is going to get proportionally harder, depending on how far into tomorrow I end “today.” But that doesn’t seem to be enough incentive to get me to do that basic thing that I know will make for a better tomorrow. Which is simply to put myself to bed. (Author’s note: Decades later, I now know it’s not simple at all!)
Once in bed, I crash hard, sleep hard, and – with less than the magic at-least-seven hours – wake up tired, foggy, and aching for more time under the covers. Then the cycle repeats itself, only slightly modified on weekends when I give myself permission to stay up later, rationalizing that I’ll get to sleep in (at least a little bit) later. But the lump sum is the same: I’m constantly exhausted and sleep deprived.
I’ve been sleep deprived for so long now that I don’t know anything different anymore. It started with my first child, and while it waxes and wanes, the result is the same. At some point, not enough sleep is not about degrees, it’s simply not enough sleep.
Self Care vs. The Burden of the “Not Done”
The good news is that I no longer see this as a personal failure, a weakness of discipline (though there’s some of that unproductive self-talk), or a lack of structure (there’s plenty of that), or even as self-sabotage. I’m growing to see this issue as one of the conflicts of competing interests – work, parenting, social time – that make up my life.
There is, quite simply, not enough time in my days to get all accomplished that I want and need to get done. So it’s a matter of choices, really. (Another author’s message: actually, it’s about my ADHD and executive function!)
When I stay up late, I’m choosing (hoping?) to reduce the burden of the “not done,” the inimitable albatross that hangs around the necks of busy families. In exchange, I’m sacrificing some of the calm and focus that comes from enough sleep. Hopefully, as I increase my own personal structure and continue to pay attention to the choices I’m making, I’ll grow more, make better choices for myself more often – such as the choice to put myself to bed on time, to choose calm and attention during the daylight hours. At least, that’s a goal of mine.
On the plus side, my late-night hours often lead to multiple successes, and sometimes that’s a trade-off I’m willing to make. Right now, it’s 12:36 a.m. — it’s already tomorrow, the day I’d set as my deadline for this piece. As I sit at my computer, I really hope that this particular work-sleep trade-off is one that I’ll be glad I made. (Author’s note: The self-acceptance piece of managing ADHD is so important! We must learn to be gentle with ourselves when it doesn’t work.)
Unlike in my friends’ homes, I don’t suspect you’ll ever hear my husband telling anyone at 9:30 p.m. that I’m already asleep. (My 101-year old grandfather was always awake past 9:30, and my mom? Well let’s just say I’m the apple that doesn’t fall far from the tree!) But hopefully, as I continue to pay attention to the choices I make, I’ll find new ways to motivate myself to get better sleep … which is really about opting for a calmer, more focused existence during daylight hours.
At least, that’s my goal. In the meantime, it’s time to shut it all down and turn it in for the night. Wish me luck!?
(Last author’s note: As I have grown to understand ADHD since my first writing of this post, I realize that getting to sleep is a major challenge for very good reasons. It’s not a moral failing, or a lack of personal discipline. Sleep is slippery for people with ADHD. It’s elusive. It’s complicated. It’s just not as “shiny” as so many other things! And, my friends, it’s a very worthy place to “Take Aim.”)
