Even though I’m an introvert who loves solitude and has a small circle of friends, I still want to feel like I belong.
As an introvert, I yearn to be better understood — I wish my friends and family recognized that I prefer small groups over large ones, deep, meaningful conversations instead of small talk, and that sometimes (OK, often), I need alone time (which has nothing to do with them).
All this to say, even though I’m not extroverted, I still want to feel like I belong.
Ideally, many of us introverts would spend most of our time with “our people” — our very small circle of friends with whom we feel completely comfortable and who truly “get” us.
But let’s face it — there are many times when we can’t avoid spending time in groups where we don’t exactly mesh with everybody. Whether it’s a networking group, a PTA meeting at your child’s school, or your coworkers, it’s bound to happen, and awkwardness may ensue. You might find yourself smiling nervously, going hours without saying a word while watching others laugh and converse, or even hiding in the bathroom for a few moments of relief.
You may quickly start to feel like the odd one out, like there is something wrong with you, or you’re just not smart or witty enough to belong. I think it’s one of the worst feelings, and I’ve felt it myself many times.
I used to handle it by doing my best to avoid groups where I didn’t fit in right away. But as I’ve grown older and started a family and career, it’s become important to me to show up for others — for my friends, family, career, and myself — even when it’s not comfortable.
It’s never easy, but over the years, I have developed some strategies to make this experience less painful. Here are five things you can do when you feel like you don’t fit in.
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5 Tips for When You Feel Like You Don’t Fit In
1. Acknowledge your negative thoughts with kindness, but keep an open mind. Things might be different next time.
My introverted mind — which tends to overthink — loves to tell stories and try to predict the future, especially when I feel threatened or defensive. You might find yourself getting ready for a social event and thinking:
Here we go again. None of these people will understand me, and I’ll just sit there awkwardly, as usual. This is going to be painful.
It’s natural to think this way, especially if you’ve had negative or awkward experiences with this group in the past. My advice? Keep an open mind. Acknowledge these thoughts with kindness and understanding, but also remind yourself that situations can, and often do, change for the better.
I don’t recommend forcing yourself to “think positive” — just try to remain open to the possibility of connection. Maybe someone in the group will be in a quieter mood and want to have a meaningful conversation. Or perhaps there will be someone new in the group — I’ve noticed that even just one new (usually more introverted) personality added to a group can shift the social dynamic in my favor.
You can never be certain you will connect with others, but a closed mind guarantees it won’t happen.
2. When you’re struggling, breathe and focus on a small detail in your environment.
Introverts tend to focus their attention inward, on their thoughts and emotions — it’s what makes many of us so creative and empathetic. However, this inward focus can be challenging when our thoughts are churning with self-conscious worries.
Even when I try my very best to remain open to connecting with others, it’s easy for me to go too far inward and get lost in negative thoughts and stories, especially when I’ve been at an event for a while and am ready to leave.
When I’m really struggling but know I can’t leave yet, it helps to breathe and direct my attention outward — even if I can only manage it for a few moments at a time.
If you’re struggling, ask yourself: What else is happening besides your inner world? Is there a cool breeze blowing? Does the coffee or food smell delicious? Are your kids laughing, playing, and having a great time?
Research shows that mindfulness helps you relax and stay grounded in the present moment, softening the edges of your anxiety. So, notice what is actually happening, rather than the stories and judgments your mind is imposing on your environment.
3. Remember your purpose for being there.
As introverts, we usually don’t put ourselves in awkward group situations just for fun, so there must be a good reason why you’re at this event. Connecting with that reason can help you make the best of it.
Is this networking event important for your career or to support a coworker? Are these people important to your significant other? Are they part of your extended family?
If you strive to be a supportive coworker, friend, or partner, then making an effort to show up in this social situation aligns with your inner values.
I once attended a birthday party for my child’s preschool friend at a play gym. All the other mothers seemed to know each other, and they circled up to chat while the kids played. I stood nearby, smiling and trying to look open to conversation, but none of them acknowledged me or invited me into their circle.
Inwardly rolling my eyes, I started to spiral into negativity and judgment — both of the other moms and of myself. But then I noticed my 5-year-old son giggling and playing with his friends, having the time of his life, and I realized that this event was about him, not me. That realization made the rest of the party much more bearable.
4. Practice self-compassion.
Feeling awkward in social situations seems to be second nature to us introverts. However, it often triggers a torrent of self-judgment and criticism, amplifying feelings of loneliness and rejection.
Remember, though, that you can always find unconditional acceptance in one person — yourself. If there was ever a time to be your own best friend, it’s now.
Notice when you’re suffering from imposter syndrome and your inner critic shows up. Replace that critic with your inner advocate. For example, if I’ve been quiet for a long period and start feeling self-conscious about it, I tell myself:
“Ivy, it’s perfectly OK to be quiet if you don’t have anything meaningful to add to this conversation. Talking for the sake of talking just isn’t your way, and that’s OK.”
Self-compassion can also take the form of an inner sense of humor. You might tell yourself, “Well, I guess I could pet the cat for at least five minutes,” or “Ah, the peaceful oasis of this bathroom! Let’s see how long I can stay in here without anyone noticing!”
Make sure to give yourself kindness before, during, and after the event. When you get home, give yourself what you need — some quiet time with a book or movie and your favorite snack. After all, you’ve earned it!
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5. Keep showing up.
If this social group is here to stay — whether they are friends of your family or chatty coworkers you see every day — it helps to stay persistent and keep showing up with an open mind.
I’ve had jobs where it took me six months (or even a year or more!) to feel like I truly belonged. It wasn’t easy to keep showing up and sitting awkwardly in the breakroom at lunchtime when I could have been eating quietly in my office. But because people got used to seeing my face, eventually they began to open up to me, and vice versa. Plus, showing up sent the message that I cared about connecting with them, and it worked.
Staying persistent can also help you steal a few one-on-one moments with individual members of the group. Many introverts (myself included) feel more open and comfortable in one-on-one conversations; group conversations can be a nightmare for introverts, where we’re prone to turning into quiet observers.
The more people you can connect with individually, the more comfortable you will feel in the group as a whole.
Navigating social situations as an introvert can be hard, especially when you feel like you don’t fit in. But with patience, self-compassion, and a willingness to stay open, you can find your way. And even if you never feel completely at ease in certain groups, knowing you’ve shown up for yourself and others is an accomplishment to be proud of. 
