It may take some time for introverts to open up and share their thoughts with you, but if you follow this advice, we will.
“You don’t talk that much, do you?” and “Why are you so quiet?” are common questions (among many others) that introverts hear throughout their lives — often more than once. I always have to resist the urge to sigh loudly, roll my eyes, or fire back with, “Why don’t you talk less?”
A common and unfair misconception about introverts is that we don’t talk. But we do. We can be incredibly chatty under the right circumstances — you just have to know what they are. And once you get us going, you might start wondering where our “off” button is!
So, if there’s an introvert in your life and you want to know what’s going on behind their quiet demeanor, here is the best way to help make that happen.
How to Get an Introvert to Open Up
1. Give them time to get comfortable around you.
Giving me time to get comfortable around you will take some patience on your part. Since introverts tend to be private, we don’t open up to new people right away. I’m always fascinated by those who can spill their life story to complete strangers — I have no idea how, within just five minutes, someone can start telling me deeply personal things, like their relationship problems. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, I don’t even know your last name yet. Why are you telling me this?
If that’s how you operate, more power to you. But I’m not wired that way. It takes time for me to open up and share. It’s like putting a baby in a bath — you can’t just drop them in; you have to ease them into it. So give me time to see that you’re someone worth sharing with, and I will.
2. Get them in a comfortable environment.
Just as much as the people, the surroundings play a major role in whether I’ll speak up or not. You’re unlikely to find me in a loud, crowded place like a bar or a club. But if I am there (who knows why — maybe I gave in to peer pressure), know that I’m probably too overstimulated to talk much. Loud noises, no personal space, and the need to shout over people make for the worst kind of environment for an introvert, especially a highly sensitive one like me.
We prefer calm, low-stimulation environments, like a quiet park or a cozy bookstore. If I’m in a place like that, I’m much more centered and able to have a meaningful conversation with you.
3. Make sure they have the energy to open up.
Timing makes a huge difference in whether an introvert will open up. We get “peopled out” easily, whether from work, social events, or just too much interaction in one day.
For example, I work with preschool children, and it’s exhausting. After a long day, I need time to recover because I’m mentally and physically drained. As an introvert, I’m even more easily depleted than others and require extra time to recuperate.
On particularly long or stressful days, I need complete peace and quiet to recharge. That’s why I rely on my introvert “zen zone.” If I’m really tired, I can’t even form a sentence in my head, let alone hold a conversation. I have to decompress from previous social interactions before I can start new ones.
So if you want an introvert to talk to you, make sure the timing is right.
4. Bring up an introspective topic vs. a surface-level one.
Introverts don’t hate talking — we hate small talk. Since most conversations revolve around it, we’re often mistakenly seen as people who don’t like to speak. But that’s not true.
Introverts tend to think deeply, and we want our conversations to reflect that. We enjoy discussing introspective, meaningful topics — things that have substance and weight. To me, small talk feels empty, like filler. If a conversation is going to stay on that level, you probably won’t hear much from the introverts in the group.
But bring up something interesting or personally relevant — like a great book, a thought-provoking idea, or a favorite hobby — and you might have trouble getting us to stop talking (in the best way possible).
This doesn’t mean introverts always have to discuss heavy topics like the meaning of life, religion, or politics. We can joke around and have light conversations too. But if you want an introvert to open up, try something more interesting than small talk — instead of just chatting about the weather.
5. One-on-one interactions are better suited for introverts.
I don’t thrive in large group situations. There’s too much happening at once — too many people, too many conversations to keep up with — and it’s overwhelming to process. Group conversations require me to constantly shift my focus between multiple people, like trying to juggle. I struggle to do it. Plus, there are always people who want to dominate the conversation, and honestly, they can have it. I have no desire to be the center of attention.
I’m much more comfortable in small groups because it’s easier to follow and contribute to the conversation. It doesn’t take as much mental energy to engage, making the experience less stressful and more enjoyable. When I feel relaxed, I’m far more likely to participate.
So if you want me — or any introvert — to open up, pull us aside for a one-on-one conversation. That way, we can have a real, meaningful discussion and truly get to know each other.
6. Keep your critiques to yourself.
“Are you always this quiet?” and “Don’t you have anything to say?” are just two of the frustrating questions I hear all the time. Pointing out my quietness won’t make me open up — it feels like criticism. In fact, if you ask me something like that, I’ll be even less likely to talk.
It’s hurtful for introverts to constantly be on the receiving end of these kinds of questions, as if our personality is a problem to be fixed. We don’t deserve to be treated that way just because we aren’t loud or outgoing. In her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, Susan Cain explains how society tends to favor energetic, gregarious personalities. Because introverts don’t fit that mold, we often feel undervalued, as though we aren’t enough simply because we don’t match the extrovert ideal.
Introverts don’t need to be critiqued for being different. There’s nothing wrong with us for being quiet, and we’d appreciate it if more people recognized that.
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7. You may need to talk less.
I hate to say it, but sometimes, you might be the problem. A good, meaningful conversation is reciprocal — it happens when both people take turns speaking and listening. It shouldn’t be one person giving a monologue while the other just stands there.
If there’s no space for me to contribute, I probably won’t. If I’m only there to nod along and say “yeah” or “mm-hmm” while you go on and on, I won’t look forward to talking with you again. So make sure to pause and give me a chance to contribute. You might ask what I think — whether it’s about current events, a new policy at work, or something else — and genuinely care about my response.
This isn’t an exhaustive list, but if you want to get to know an introvert better, these suggestions will help. You might be surprised by what we share when we feel comfortable opening up. And, like I said before, you may even start wondering where our “off” button is! 
