Therapists will tell you negative self-talk is a learned habit. Perhaps you saw a parent put themselves down a lot and now you do the same. Or maybe you talk down to yourself because you were put down a lot as a child.
Whilst this may be true for many, it’s not the case for me. And yet, I still grew up experiencing a lot of negative self-talk myself, seemingly for no reason at all.
I suppose on some level it’s a survival mechanism built into my monkey brain. Maybe I’m more monkey than I should be.
Whatever the case, negative self-talk has been a real bummer for me. And when I honestly look back over the years I can now clearly see that it’s stopped me in so many different ways.
- It stopped me from going away on holiday with my friends once school was finished.
- It stopped me from approaching potential girlfriends.
- It stopped me from applying for better jobs many thought I could get.
The familiar voice surfaces to remind me that “you know you can’t do that.” And, “Seriously, you have no chance, better not to embarrass yourself.”
And then I’d look around at the ‘confident’ individuals and marvel at the size of their plums for trying things I wouldn’t dare.
After a lot of retrospective examination of the different eras in my life, my conclusion has been this…
I am my own worst enemy.
The problem is, I think this is the case for most of us and we don’t ever realise it.
We talk down to ourselves and think we should stay in “our own lane”.
We absolutely know our limits, wouldn’t dare do ‘this’ and would never try ‘that’.
Because of this we sadly miss out on so many things in life, experiences, love, and success.
We develop our own narrative about ourselves so much and so strongly that it doesn’t even matter how much reassurance we get, we stick to our own tale.
And it’s usually to our own detriment.
So how do you stop negative self-talk?
I’m no therapist, just a guy who has spent many years learning to figure this out on his own and so if I’m going to attempt to answer that question, I’m going to do it honestly, from my own experience and some people won’t like the answer…
I don’t think you can stop negative self-talk.
At least, I don’t think you can stop it completely. That ape in your head is far stronger than we even know.
But the good news is, I think it can be tackled when it rears its head, subdued and put back in its cage when needed. And over time I believe you can tame it to some degree, become somewhat friends and even share a banana together on occasion.
How I learned to stop negative self-talk
My journey with negative self-talk has been a long old slog. I’m not going to lie, learning to tame the beast has been difficult but I have developed habits over this journey that help me to ‘whack a mole’ negative thoughts when they pop up.
After nearly two decades of struggling with negative self-talk, I had a major breakthrough when I discovered a number of Stoic teachings.
I’d only ever heard of “people being Stoic” as a negative thing – something someone used to suppress their emotions. I’d always thought that it therefore wasn’t a desirable philosophy.
But boy was I wrong. Who would have thought lessons from thousands of years ago could help me completely reframe my thoughts?
But they did, they really did. And that’s why I’d like to share them with you. These teachings are nothing crazy. When you truly digest them, you realise they are lessons that are still talked about to this day, and used in different disciplines, perhaps worded slightly differently.
Many of them are common sense. But they only work if you’re patient with yourself and show yourself a little self-compassion along the way.
These are the lessons I remind myself when I feel negative thoughts creeping in.
The things you think about determine the quality of your mind. Your soul takes on the color of your thoughts. – Marcus Aurelius
Negative self-talk is addictive. The more you listen to your negative thoughts, the more you believe them. You begin to think that’s “who you are.”
One of the reasons I am obsessed with creating better habits is because I truly believe you become what you do, think and say. When I keep doing something positive, I feel good. When I slack off I don’t feel good.
When I am nice to someone, I feel good. When I am not nice to someone, I don’t feel good.
It’s very black and white.
So I notice how I don’t feel good when I give time to negative thoughts. They begin to affect my behaviour, sending me into a negative spiral.
What I’ve learned: It is okay to challenge your negative thoughts. Notice how they affect the way you speak and what you do or don’t do. Show yourself compassion and remind yourself you deserve to fill your thoughts with positive, productive things.
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment. – Marcus Aurelius
One of the core teachings that runs through Stoicism is the idea that you only have control over yourself, and not over anything external. It is a simple idea but it can be incredibly helpful when applied to modern life.
Many of my negative thoughts revolve around my anticipation about something but my thoughts about something are never as bad as the actual thing. I create a negative scenario in my own head that doesn’t even exist in the first place.
What I’ve learned: Your estimations about something are usually way off. Negative thinking leads to creating false scenarios, making you think something is worse than it’s going to be. It’s kind of like being nervous when you’re standing in a roller coaster cue. It’s only when you get off the ride you realise it’s not as bad as you built up in your imagination.
It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters. – Epictetus
My inner negative dialogue goes on overdrive if something “bad happens”. It rarely starts on its own for no reason. And that’s why I try to be careful about how I react to things. Do things need a reaction? Is it better to wait a minute before reacting to something?
Things are going to happen every day that are going to challenge you. They’re also going to challenge the way you talk to yourself. If you find yourself reacting to everything like I used to, there’s a lot of space for negative reactions, and therefore, negative thinking.
What I learned: My negative self-talk calms right down when I’m not so reactionary. This helps to keep me in control not only physically but mentally. I find that I can limit a lot of negative self-talk when I opt to react in a mindful way instead of an emotional one.
True happiness is to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future. – Seneca
Another great source of my negative self-talk comes from my fear and worries about the future. If I’m not careful, I can easily find myself spending hours thinking about the future, things like what I’ll be doing in 10 years, how long I’ll live, etc, etc.
Thinking about the future instead of enjoying the present has been a constant theme in my life.
And if that’s been your experience too, you’ll understand how tiring it becomes.
Not only that, but you realise you’re never able to enjoy being here, today.
Your negative self-talk is stuck in the future whilst your body in the present wanders around mindlessly, going through the motions.
What I learned: Allowing myself to be in the present moment reduces any negative self-talk that I have. When you allow yourself to enjoy the present, you’re using your brain power for focusing and listening for example, and everything else can wait.
If it’s endurable, then endure it and stop complaining, even to yourself. – Marcus Aurelius
One of the main ways my inner dialogues become negative is through complaining. Complaining is an easy thing to do, it’s as natural as breathing. I’d go as far as saying it’s addictive. But all this does is create a negative environment in my mind.
And this is one of the Stoic lessons that probably deserves its own post because it’s helped me so much. Instead of reacting with complaining, even within my thoughts, I now take a more mindful approach. If I can endure something I don’t “like”, complaining about it will only make it worse.
What I learned: The world isn’t always going to behave the way you want it to. And once you accept that, it’s easier to stop complaining. Complaining about things only makes them harder. Once you stop complaining, you start to make room for positive thoughts instead.
Wrapping it all up
These Stoic lessons have helped me to reduce my negative self-talk. However, they have only worked when I have permitted myself to allow them to work.
The biggest lesson I have learned from these teachings is that I have more control over my thoughts than I realised. I can decide how I want to react to the world.
The world can trigger negative thoughts but it’s then up to me how I react. And in all honesty, a negative manner is the easy option. It’s the one I have taken for too long.
These days I’m now trying to be less emotional with my reactions and more mindful and these are the lessons that help me to do this.
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Sean C is a writer, passionate about improving one’s self by maintaining healthy habits and doing the things that make life more meaningful.
