I recently had to dismantle a metal bunkbed my husband and I were selling to a consignment store. The frame was held together by a couple dozen stout screws which had to be removed with an allen wrench. The screws on the siderails slipped out after a few turns with minimal effort, but one at the foot of the bed proved significantly more challenging.
The base was only an inch off the floor, so I had to repeatedly remove the wrench every quarter twist and reposition it for the next rotation. I worked and worked, but the screw was not coming out. I felt some give in the tool, so I assumed I was making progress and kept at it, applying more and more force each time. After about ten minutes I sat back, exasperated. Why wasn’t it coming out? My husband looked over my shoulder and said, “You’re turning it the wrong way. You’re tightening it.”
I was indignant. I knew the rule: righty-tighty, lefty-loosey, and I was certain I was twisting to the left. However, what I failed to take into consideration was my orientation to the screw. With every twist, I was jamming the screw deeper and deeper into its hole, damaging the grooves with each turn. By the time I corrected my mistake, the allen wrench was rendered useless. I had to use a pair of pliers to forcefully yank the mangled bolt out of its hole. The damage was done.
Prior to my son Brady’s autism diagnosis at age three, my parenting methods resembled my unsuccessful bout with the bed. I tried repeatedly to use the same parenting techniques as my friends, or to mimic the upbringing and discipline I experienced as a child, but instead of compliance, I met resistance.
Even so-called expert advice fell flat. Parenting gurus regularly promoted easy “three step plans” to rearing a polite, well-behaved, socially acceptable child. If I followed their programs, I should be able to “a-b-c” or “1-2-3” my way out of any behavioral challenge with my son. Instead, I would reach “x-y-z’ and wonder what I did wrong. Brady wouldn’t respond, and in some cases, the conflict would escalate.
Interestingly, the problem with my parenting was the same as my wrench skills – I wasn’t oriented correctly. I was parenting Brady as if his brain were wired like other typically developing kids. I had to flip my perspective. I had to learn new strategies for parenting a child who is neurodiverse, otherwise I would risk irreparable damage to my son and our relationship, just like my fruitless efforts to loosen that screw.
Through books, videos, and in person parent trainings, I finally started to work in concert with my son, instead of fighting against him. Here are a few highlights of what I learned:
Don’t compare your child’s developmental milestones to other kids. Parent your child based on his stage, not his age.
- Emphasize positive reinforcement for the right behaviors. Genuine excitement over his smallest victories will create a desire for him to repeat them.
- Keep your cool when corrections are necessary. Losing your temper only fuels your child’s big emotions.
- Determine something (a snack, money, a toy, etc.) that motivates your child, and provide regular, frequent opportunities for him to earn it.
- Therapies are important, but don’t forget to celebrate and nurture the gifts, talents, and passions of your child.
These skills won’t promise you a completely smooth parenting experience. Occasionally you may still need to put some muscle into that wrench, but as long as you’re approaching your child with the right perspective, you should be able to stay in the groove.
Kari Baker always loved a good plan. But when her only son Brady was diagnosed with autism (at 3 years old) and ADHD, her plans for a typical parenting experience were shaken to the core.
Finding KIND is an account of Kari’s initial awakening to Brady’s neurological differences, the early years adapting to life as an autism mom, and later accepting and appreciating Brady for exactly who God made him to be.
Ultimately, Kari’s experiences as a KIND Mom offer practical suggestions for thriving when the best laid plans go awry. Anyone who knows and loves a kid with invisible neurological differences or who is exploring faith in the midst of life’s challenges will find hope and encouragement in Kari’s story.
“As a developmental pediatrician, I often wonder how parents of children with autism and other disabilities cope. And would I ever be able to rise to that challenge? Kari Baker shares some of her life secrets in this gem of a book. It is an ode to the impact of positive, mindful and persistent parenting of exceptional individuals. Certainly germane to parents of children with autism, but in reality, a lesson for the rest of us.”
– Raun Melmed, MD, Co-founder and Medical Director of Southwest Autism Research and Resource Center and Director of Cortica Scottsdale, and Author of “Autism and the Extended Family: A Guide for Those Who Know and Love Someone with Autism” and “Autism Parent Handbook: Starting with the End Goal in Mind”
To learn more, visit https://www.bookpublicityservices.com/blog/finding-kind-kari-baker
