During my days of pretending to be an extrovert, my social calendar was always full, but I came home feeling lonely and depressed.
As a child, I moved several times — not just between cities and states but also between schools, churches, and social groups within the same city. To my friends and their parents, I was always known as the quiet, mature, and sensitive girl. Although many of my friends were extroverted, I never felt pressured to be more outgoing. I was accepted for who I was and never felt something was wrong with me — until I turned 14 and my family moved to a new city.
My first year of high school in this new city was achingly lonely. No one in my classes really reached out to me, and as an introvert, it was hard for me to reach out to them. My new school was also very cliquey, and I didn’t fit in; most of my peers were wealthy and had grown up together.
I didn’t want to spend all four years of high school alone, so I thought that if I became more outgoing, I’d attract more friends. I developed an extroverted persona that I “performed” for about 10 years. It wasn’t until recently that this performance came to an abrupt end — when I couldn’t even get out of bed, completely burned out and depressed.
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Pretending to Be an Extrovert
Throughout high school — and later in college — I often felt insecure, on edge, and uncertain of my identity, much like many young people do. I had almost no energy or interest in my introverted passions and hobbies, like writing and reading, which I had loved before the big move.
Instead, most of my energy was drained by pretending to be a social butterfly that everyone liked. The little energy I had left went into spending hours scrolling through Facebook and other social media platforms.
I used to think my lack of interest in my hobbies was due to depression — and I think that was partially true. But looking back now, with my new understanding of the introverted nervous system, I realize I was simply too drained from all the social overstimulation and the energy wasted on maintaining a fake persona.
(If you’re curious, here’s the science behind why socializing can drain introverts.)
The Wake-Up Call That Changed My Life
Recently, I had a major wake-up call that completely changed my life. One morning, when depression wouldn’t let me get out of bed, I desperately asked the Universe to show me how to heal.
For years leading up to that day, I had tried almost everything to cure the aching loneliness and depression I believed to be mental illness: counseling, medication, meditation, natural remedies, traveling, energy healing, yoga, positive affirmations, nature walks, even getting bangs. But nothing ever worked for long.
That morning, as I lay in bed, the answer came to me: “There’s nothing wrong with you, Sonna. You’re just an introvert, and fighting against your intrinsic nature has caused all these mental and spiritual ‘symptoms.’ Accept yourself — and your introverted nature — and you’ll be alright.”
At that moment, a deep sense of peace washed over me. I suddenly saw my life with fresh eyes, feeling grounded and self-contained. The struggles I had faced in the past finally made sense.
Bit by bit, as I began to embrace my introversion, my depression faded, and my life changed in ways I never expected.
How My Life Improved When I Stopped Hiding My Introversion
1. The loneliness has vanished; I now treasure both my alone time and one-on-one moments with friends.
During my extroverted, fake-persona days, I would text and talk to several friends every day. I tried to keep my social calendar full, but even if I spent all day with friends, from sunrise to sunset, I would still come home feeling lonely and depressed.
I blamed myself, thinking it was due to trust issues, and convinced myself that I just needed to trust people more. But no matter how hard I tried to relax around all those friends, I still felt uncomfortable in most social settings that others would probably consider normal.
Now, looking back, I realize I didn’t have trust issues or social anxiety. In fact, I love people and value close relationships. I just need the setting to be more introvert-friendly — low-key, one-on-one, and without too much stimulation.
Like other introverts, I crave depth, intensity, and intentionality when I’m spending time with others. While I once thought I needed at least 10 friends, I’ve come to understand that I only have the emotional bandwidth for one or two close friends at a time.
Knowing this, I no longer feel socially inadequate. I’ve also realized that my previous loneliness was likely a longing for connection with myself. Now, I cherish my alone time, and most of those lonely feelings have faded.
2. I have more energy to do things I genuinely enjoy.
A funny thing happened when I started being true to myself and embracing my introverted nature: My natural interests and hobbies began to resurface.
My love for singing has returned, and I finally have the energy and focus to actually practice this passion. I’m no Whitney Houston, but when I sing, it brings me so much joy, self-love, and peace. Before my wake-up call, I lacked both the self-esteem and the energy to even sing by myself in my apartment, let alone in front of others. Now, I’ve started taking voice lessons, and my goal is to sing with a local band just for fun. I know it might overwhelm my sensitive nature, but I’m willing to do it so I can share my gift and express myself.
I’ve also been reading more. Right now, I’m diving into two nonfiction books: The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron, and Hands of Light by Barbara Ann Brennan. I’ve read both before, but now that my focus is clearer, I’m able to absorb the information much better.
And speaking of reading, I no longer feel guilty for staying home and getting lost in a book. My next goal is to find a thick fiction novel I can really sink my teeth into. I haven’t read one like that since before “the big move” in high school. Back then, before I took on a fake extroverted persona, I used to read fiction all the time.
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3. I don’t feel nearly as stressed.
As a fake extrovert, I was stressed out almost constantly. I put myself in loud, overwhelming environments, befriended people who took advantage of me, and ignored my need for solitude and recharging. These habits trapped me in a cycle of chronic stress, leading to some serious mistakes, a few of which resulted in long-term consequences like chronic illness.
Now that I’ve embraced my true self and my introversion, my nervous system has started to relax, and my immune system is functioning better. We’ve all heard about the impact of chronic stress on the immune system — well, I’m here to tell you, the research doesn’t lie! My body feels safer now that I’m no longer letting my introverted nervous system get so agitated. Slowly, I can feel my body healing after years of chronic inflammation.
Additionally, my mind feels clearer, and I’m much more grounded. I’ve started meditating again — just 10 minutes a day — and I’m actually enjoying it. I no longer feel guilty for being still. In fact, I’m proud of myself for listening to my body and giving it what it truly needs.
4. Guilt isn’t the main motivator in social situations anymore; genuine connection is.
Whenever I found myself feeling uncomfortable in social situations, my fake extroverted persona would chime in: “Wow, you’re so awkward. You need to try harder to relax and enjoy small talk. You’re so weird.”
I believed these lies, and the guilt over my perceived lack of social skills weighed heavily on me. I always felt like I wasn’t trying hard enough, even though socializing drained most of my energy and left me constantly ruminating over interactions. It wasn’t a lack of effort — if anything, I was trying harder than almost anyone I knew.
These days, I’m working on releasing that guilt. I’ve realized it’s okay if I don’t meet the social expectations I think others have of me. I have strengths in areas that highly extroverted people may not: I listen deeply, speak authentically from the heart, and bring a calming, peaceful presence. People have noticed and appreciated these traits, and they’ve told me so.
Now, I focus on letting social connections happen naturally, based on genuine interest and compatibility, rather than trying to match someone’s energy or perform the extroverted ideal. If someone thinks I’m “too quiet” or “too serious,” that’s fine. As introverts, we need to focus on developing our natural strengths, not worrying about perceived deficits. It’s a far better use of our time and energy.
Introverts, Remember: You Have Nothing to Prove
Ever since that wake-up call, I feel like my future is brighter. The weight of pretending to be an extrovert has almost completely lifted, and I didn’t expect to feel so light in its absence.
I now understand what will help me live authentically and happily: calm environments, a couple of close friends, and plenty of time to quietly pursue my interests. My life no longer feels like an uphill battle. I was born an introvert, and an introvert I will remain.
There is so much peace and happiness in simply accepting myself and letting life flow naturally, instead of forcing myself to fit into a painfully unnatural social role. Now, I can just be.
I’m reminded of a quote from one of my favorite philosophers, Alan Watts: “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”
So, to all the introverts who feel exhausted after years of performing and striving like I did, know that you have nothing to prove. Embrace your introversion, trust in life, and let things unfold as they were always meant to. You might be amazed by the peace that rises up and washes over you. It was always there, just waiting for you to let go and receive it. 
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