Biography
I had my first mental illness episode with psychosis symptoms when I was 20 years old in 1982. I had mental illness episodes of extreme anxiety, depression, mania, and psychosis at different times from 1983-1992. I also worked in the mental health field for three years during this time, helping mentally ill patients in hospital settings. I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1992 after I faced disciplinary action while a graduate counseling student because I had disabling symptoms of psychosis. I was no longer allowed to take graduate courses at this university. From 1992-2008, I took education courses, earned my master’s degree and specialist degree in education, and worked as a teacher for many years. In 2016, I started receiving disability benefits for bipolar disorder and major depressive disorder.
Major Depressive Episode
In December of 2021, I had a major depressive episode. I had a car wreck in which I lost control of my car and damaged three cars in the parking lot where I worked as a part time pre-k assistant teacher. I told people right after that, that I wanted to kill myself since I did not understand why I lost control and felt much guilt and shame though people assured me this was an “accident”. I was working in a stressful classroom in which the lead teacher, my “boss” was (I believed) verbally abusive to the four year olds. I had taken this part time position since I needed a low income job that allowed me to keep my disability check of a mere $721 a month. I also felt more guilt because I had hit the car of the lead teacher. This week prior to my suicide attempt, I felt even more guilty feelings because I refused to “punish” the four year old students the way this teacher instructed me to do so. She had given me instructions to discipline the children after she left for the day when I was in total charge of the classroom supervision, by restricting their activities. I thought I would be punished for my disobedience and lose my job. This week I became agitated and my physician assistant at my psychiatrist’s office increased the dose of my antipsychotic. My sister visited me the day before I tried to kill myself because of my extreme emotional distress, including my guilt, shame, agitation, inability to concentrate, lack of sleep for days, and lack of concern for my personal hygiene. My sister thought “I was either very confused or having a manic episode”.
Note: Could Be Triggering
My Suicide Attempt
I overdosed on my sleeping medication. I only remember that I felt someone was telling me to kill myself and to take the pills quickly to end my guilt and shame. I was in a psychosis.
My Hospitalization and Treatment at Home
I was in the hospital for six weeks, stabilized on new medications so I could sleep, and given ECT treatments. I had memories of being mistreated by hospital staff. After my insurance ran out, I was released from the hospital and continued to receive ECT treatments as an outpatient. The ECT treatments reduced some of my depression symptoms . At home, I did coloring in adult coloring books, journaling, reading, and engaged in counseling sessions via telehealth.
Finding a Purpose in My Life
I started working as a volunteer trained mental health active listener with 7 Cups of Tea, providing emotional support to an online mental health community. I found I had excellent abilities to help members with their mental illness/mental health issues. I took courses with Humanestcare.com, an online mental health community that provides social support and therapy. I am still currently taking courses with Humanest to one day be a certified mental health worker. I have also been facilitating online National Alliance on Mental Illness support groups.
Creating my Facebook Group
I created a group called “Mental Illness Writers, Advocates, and Educators”. I invited people to join who were established in these fields or who just had goals to be mental illness writers, advocates, or educators. I love to do research each day on mental illness disorders and issues so I am able to post educational articles or videos to raise awareness about mental illness. I have a serious passion for work in this field, sincere empathy for those with serious brain disorders, and good research skills. I finally now feel I have gained a sense of purpose and have a strong will to live
