TW: Mentions of despair and suicidal ideas.
This has been a fucking laborious 12 months and there have been a number of moments after I wasn’t positive I’d make it so far; I’m not satisfied I’m glad that I’ve. My anxiousness and despair and continual suicidal ideas have been doing their finest to swallow me complete; a number of individuals have prompt that I’m in autistic burnout and I wouldn’t be stunned however I don’t understand how to make sure of that with the despair and CPTSD in play. I’m simply placing one foot in entrance of the opposite, even after I’m not likely positive why.
It’s considerably complicated to nonetheless recognise the great issues and be thankful for them in amongst all of that. Whereas I by no means thought despair and suicidal ideation have been easy, I by no means would’ve imagined that they could possibly be this complicated and conflicted. However that’s a practice of thought and dialogue for one more time. For now, these are among the issues I’ve felt grateful for this 12 months…
Mum – I don’t know what else I can say about my Mum that I haven’t already stated in my earlier Grateful posts (2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022) however, holy shit, am I grateful for her. One thing I’ve thought rather a lot about over the course of the 12 months is how she at all times appears to take issues in stride. I do know it’s not that straightforward: she’s human and so, after all, she has emotions about all the things that occurs however the best way she handles issues with such openness and charm blows me away.
Household and mates – Regardless of how laborious this 12 months has been and the way desperately I’ve needed to only cover away, I’ve managed to spend a stunning period of time with my household and mates: over Zoom, at music occasions, at every others houses, even overseas. I actually don’t understand how I acquired so fortunate to search out and preserve the buddies I’ve however I’m so deeply, deeply grateful. I look again at all the dangerous issues which have occurred to me and I discover that may’t hate them fully as a result of, in the event that they hadn’t, I wouldn’t have met and change into mates with the individuals I’ve.
The cats – My beautiful delight of cats. I really like all of them so dearly. We’ve had some well being scares this 12 months, which have been very scary however, happily, everybody has recovered and we’re celebrating Christmas as a wholesome household. Izzy has thrown a spanner within the works to a sure diploma and the peace of the home has been disturbed dramatically; we’re nonetheless discovering a brand new regular and all of those new relationships are nonetheless evolving. On the entire, the cats are nonetheless avoiding Izzy as a result of she will get so overexcited; she simply desires to play however typically, that both scares them or they don’t perceive and they also take a swipe at her. It’s gradual going and though progress is being made, I miss the cats being round and wrestle with the frustration of simply wanting all the things to be okay and peaceable proper now. I really like them and I don’t like not seeing them as a lot.
My time and mates in Nashville – My journey to Nashville this 12 months was a critical emotional rollercoaster. There was a faculty taking pictures within the metropolis on the primary full day we have been there; I noticed among the most superb Tin Pan South exhibits I’ve ever seen; I turned a Madeline Edwards fan; I noticed a few of my beautiful mates; I frolicked with new mates; we weathered the sting of a twister (and had a bit celebration within the motel room we have been sheltering in; I acquired to go to Tune Suffragettes’ ninth anniversary present and meet up with the stunning Natalie Hemby; I struggled with some critical continual ache… It was rather a lot to soak up, rather a lot to course of. It was a very robust journey however the good moments have been actually good and I’m grateful for these.
My therapist (and the canine that joined our periods) – It’s been simply over a 12 months since I began seeing my new therapist and, if I’m sincere, I’m nonetheless getting used to her and all of the little variations. I noticed my earlier therapist for eight years and the lack of her from my life was a trauma so it’s not stunning to me that it’s been a very troublesome adjustment; I nonetheless miss her and our periods. My new therapist is nice and I actually like her and we’ve had some actually productive periods nevertheless it’s been a really totally different state of affairs: my psychological well being has by no means been so dangerous, the worst stuff so near the floor. That makes remedy actually fucking laborious. It makes me really feel triggered; it makes me really feel like a frayed nerve; it makes me really feel like I can’t breathe. It’s exhausting. However I do know that nothing will change if I don’t go. A part of my expertise of despair implies that I don’t at all times need issues to alter however, as I stated earlier, it’s such a complicated, messy, difficult properly of emotions that it’s laborious to articulate and this definitely isn’t the publish to get into it, nevertheless it does present some context as to why remedy is so laborious. I can’t appear to obviously clarify why I’m grateful for remedy and for my therapist, not with my headspace being the best way it’s proper now, bit I do know that I’m. Typically I feel that must be sufficient.
The puppies – Over the summer season, I acquired to spend a stable period of time with a litter of 4 Pomchi puppies and it was wonderful. One among them particularly, the one woman who was nicknamed ‘Skye,’ took to me immediately: it was like she noticed me and went, “You. You’re my particular person.” It was lovable and I cherished each second that I acquired to spend together with her. I hadn’t thought I used to be able to bond with one other canine however Skye confirmed me that I used to be (and actually, the title ‘Skye’ simply felt like an indication – certainly one of my greatest particular curiosity characters, Daisy Johnson, having chosen that title for herself earlier than she found who she was, who she was speculated to be) and it was such a pleasure. After which my coronary heart was damaged after I wasn’t capable of preserve her. I used to be devastated and the ache of it actually shook me. I anxious about her endlessly and though that has pale over time, it nonetheless hits me at times; I hope she’s secure and pleased and cherished. And despite the fact that it led to utter heartbreak and lots of dangerous feeling, I wouldn’t take it again; it was a very particular expertise and confirmed me that I used to be able to have a canine in my life once more and in the end result in Izzy.
Writing songs once more – Songwriting has been a troublesome for some time now, because it normally is when my despair will get dangerous (and it’s been the worst it’s ever been). It looks like my artistic mind goes into hibernation. Since I began taking Phenelzine once more in March, issues have gotten higher in that regard. I’ve been writing once more nevertheless it doesn’t really feel as quick or as simple because it used to; prefer it takes precise bodily effort to make my mind work when it used to return actually simply. So it’s undoubtedly not excellent however I’ve written some songs I’m actually happy with and I’m grateful for that.
Attending to reunite with my mates from college – Within the Spring, I went to Germany for the marriage of two of my mates and though there a number of hectic elements to the week away, there have been some really joyful moments too and certainly one of them was seeing a few of my great mates. As a result of we’re scattered all over the world, we don’t typically get to see one another and we not often get to see one another altogether and, with COVID after all, it’s been a fair longer time than deliberate in order that was actually particular. It was actually emotional too, extra so than I’d anticipated, however then it was a really emotional week.
There’s 5 of us buried on this huddle.
Acceptance into the Service Canine program – A number of years in the past, we utilized for the Autism service canine program however they didn’t have area for me. This 12 months we utilized once more and I’ve been accepted! The method from being accepted to truly getting a canine is an extended one however that’s okay: it provides me time to get used to it and to study all the things I must know, with the peace of mind that help is coming. I’ve met fairly a couple of people who find themselves a part of the organisation and so they’ve all been so beautiful and supportive and heat so I really feel like I’m in good palms. I’ve my anxieties about it – it’s an enormous duty to tackle a canine, notably a specifically skilled one, and I’m conscious that, by having one, I’m representing the organisation and, to a sure diploma, incapacity and neurodivergence – however I feel it might naïve and irresponsible to not. So I’m doing my finest to organize and to get right into a wholesome, balanced headspace about it.
Respiratory Room – After years of loving the work referred to as ‘Respiratory Room’ by Anna Berry, I lastly acquired to see it. First in London after which in Croydon. Lastly seeing it in actual life was magical; it was totally breathtaking. Throughout every go to, I spent ages simply sitting inside it, watching the cones flutter and listening to the mild creak of the equipment. It was so calming; I may’ve sat there ceaselessly. And it had my thoughts spinning with new concepts for songs, each particularly concerning the piece and for different songs. I cherished that. Each instances, I needed to all however be dragged out.
The London expertise was additionally extremely particular as a result of I acquired to assist assemble it earlier than it opened to the general public. It was a viciously scorching, airless day (which resulted in a really stupid-looking sunburn, which sadly didn’t fade for months) and even with the gloves, I acquired some fairly nasty splinters that had my fingers stinging for days however I cherished each second of it. I cherished the repetitive motion, the soothing depend, the extreme focus that had the remainder of the world fading to nothing. I’d been in excruciating ache and I did wrestle with my again in the course of the session however I’d’ve fortunately saved going; I solely left as a result of I had a previous dedication. I cherished it and it was a very particular factor to get to do. I additionally, by some magical serendipity, acquired to satisfy Anna herself and discuss together with her briefly about my love for the venture and the thought of writing a track about it. She was actually beautiful and it was a really cool cherry on high to the day.
Discovering Maisie Peters – I’ve listened to Maisie a bit, on and off, over time however I feel I simply felt like I by no means fairly had the mind area to essentially get into her music. However then I heard ‘Misplaced The Breakup’ and I used to be fully hooked. I performed it on repeat till The Good Witch got here out after which I used to be simply obsessed; I didn’t hearken to anything for weeks and even after I did begin listening to different stuff, I nonetheless typically returned to it. I can’t fairly clarify what was so magical about it or why it resonated with me so strongly nevertheless it actually did and I’m nonetheless fully obsessive about Maisie’s songwriting; I may discuss it for hours. I’d love to jot down together with her. I additionally acquired to see her twice on tour and so they have been each actually particular exhibits: I noticed her in Bristol on Halloween on the smallest venue of the tour and I noticed her headline at Wembley, the most important venue of the tour and an actual milestone, on the finish of the UK leg. She’s a improbable performer and I completely cherished the exhibits. I used to be additionally fortunate sufficient to go to the VIP pre-show acoustic periods and people have been actually, actually particular. I’ve a Week In My Life publish half finished about that week that I hope to rise up quickly the place I discuss extra about that so I’ll come again and hyperlink it right here – it was an exhausting week that took a very long time to get well from nevertheless it was completely, 100% price it. I noticed her carry out on the Communion Xmas Occasion too and acquired to speak to her briefly afterwards too, which was actually beautiful (her keys participant, Tina, too). It was undoubtedly my Maisie Peters season and lengthy could it proceed; I’m so glad to have her music in my life.
Listening to The Good Witch, making bracelets for the tour, dressing Izzy up because the track, ‘BSC,’ Maisie’s acoustic set in Bristol, the Halloween cease of The Good Witch Tour, the acoustic set at Wembley Area, Maisie’s bought out present at Wembley Area, Maisie performing on the Communion Xmas Occasion in London, and assembly her after she carried out.
Getting a TENS machine – Given how dangerous my continual ache has been this 12 months, getting a TENS machine was a revelation. It has been so useful and I’m so very grateful to have a solution to scale back my ache when it’s actually dangerous. I don’t understand how I didn’t come throughout it sooner however I’m so grateful for the advice from my GP (who’s an precise miracle employee).
Assembly Amanda Tapping at LFCC 2023 – Amanda Tapping is certainly one of my favorite individuals on the earth and has been since I used to be about fourteen. She’s performed some unbelievable roles which have impressed me deeply and he or she is a very great human being. I met her a number of years in the past and though I used to be virtually paralysed by anxiousness, she was so variety and open and it was a very particular expertise. This 12 months she began doing livestreams with The Companion and it was so, so good to see her once more, no matter the truth that she couldn’t see me. The livestream was nice and I regarded ahead to the promised future ones. Then, in the summertime, I went to my first Comedian Con and acquired to satisfy her once more in particular person. We had such a beautiful dialog – as did she and my Mum, who was with me as my incapacity help particular person – and it’s a reminiscence that I’ll at all times maintain shut and preserve secure; it was a really particular expertise. After which, my third Amanda Tapping second of the 12 months was the second livestream, which was nice by itself, however I additionally had a ‘backstage’ ticket and I used to be capable of discuss to her briefly afterwards. She’s so open to huge, sincere, weak conversations and it looks like she actually sees you and hears you whenever you discuss and that’s such a robust feeling; I bear in mind fascinated by that after I met her the primary time and it was precisely the identical this time. She, and the characters she’s performed, have been a relentless supply of inspiration and power for me and stumbling throughout her all these years in the past was such a fluke however, my god, I’m so grateful I did.
Getting The ERAS Tour Tickets – Despite the fact that, it was extremely, sickeningly hectic (and induced a good quantity of ableism-based trauma), I’m very grateful to have gotten tickets to The Eras Tour in the summertime – and never just one however a number of instances, since a number of mates and teams of mates needed to go and needed to go together with me. That felt very particular and I’m each grateful that we have been capable of get the tickets and that I’ve been capable of afford it, having been saving since The status Tour ended. I’ve a really difficult relationship with the long run and with wanting forward nevertheless it was an enormous reduction to know that I wouldn’t have to look at the each present occurring with out being there even as soon as. So I’m grateful for that. And, as at all times, I’m simply grateful for Taylor herself: for her music, for being an individual I can look as much as, and for the inspiration and alternatives she has given me.
The Incapacity-Focussed Writing Workshop run by Sick Tales – I found this on-line workshop on Eventbrite and from the primary one I attended, I had an absolute blast. Sophie, the host, is completely beautiful and the prompts at all times led me down attention-grabbing rabbit roles. The primary immediate Sophie prompt resulted in an concept for a novel that I’d love to jot down sooner or later, my love of writing fiction returning that instantly. The truth that it was disability-focussed, together with Sophie’s wonderful internet hosting, made it really feel like a very secure and enjoyable place to discover and share concepts which may’ve in any other case felt too private and weak, leaving all the superb items of writing I heard unwritten. I really like lots of the stuff I wrote in these periods and though I don’t but have something to do with them, I hope that I’ll sooner or later discover a solution to share them.
Discovering Juneberry Purple Bull – Amongst my household and mates, my Purple Bull consumption is considerably legendary, even though it appears to provide my no caffeine hit in any way (I feel I’m nonetheless residing in denial that sooner or later it would begin serving to once more). However it had form of waned… till I attempted the brand new summer season flavours. The opposite three didn’t do something for me however this one has me in a chokehold: I find it irresistible a lot. I’d drink all of it day if it wasn’t as unhealthy as Purple Bull clearly is. However it’s a pleasant little deal with that I’m more than happy they got here up with.
Having the ability to afford a brand new laptop computer when my outdated one died – My laptop computer was dying a gradual and painful dying and, on condition that I exploit it for many of my work, that was a really hectic place to be in. However, thanks primarily to incapacity profit, I used to be capable of purchase a brand new one and whereas that was clearly nice for work causes, it’s the primary time I’ve had a model new laptop computer in a very long time in order that was very thrilling. I really like shiny, new devices and, since they’re normally very costly, I don’t get to do the entire “oh my god, a shiny, new gadget!” factor fairly often.
Nimona – Watching the movie, Nimona, was a very emotional second for me. I cherished the story and the world and the animation fashion and the humour however the character of Nimona actually resonated with me. I actually associated to her and noticed lots of myself in her: her emotions of otherness, her self loathing, her masking – there have been so many parallels to being autistic. Seeing that was very shifting. And I actually, actually associated to her in her ‘monster’ kind. *SPOILERS* The scene under is consistently on my thoughts and that scream has me in tears each single time: that’s what it seems like in my head, in my soul. That’s what it feels wish to be me. Having the ability to level at that and say to somebody, “That’s the way it feels,” has been so emotional. It’s laborious to explain however I’m so, so grateful to have this movie. It’d imply extra to me than every other movie, particularly due to this sequence.
Swimming, hydrotherapy, and beginning physiotherapy – For many of the 12 months, I’ve saved to a reasonably stable schedule with my swimming and hydrotherapy after which, midway by way of the 12 months, I met with an incredible physiotherapist and have been fairly constantly working at that too. Having now labored with each a hydrotherapist and physiotherapist who actually perceive hEDS, I can say with absolute confidence that it’s a fully totally different expertise; I’ve labored with good individuals earlier than however that lack of know-how has at all times been a serious impediment and I’d discover myself burning out and giving up. I’ve at all times cherished to swim however I’ve discovered that I can actually love hydrotherapy and physiotherapy (though I’ve had some intervals of ache so dangerous that I needed to take a break till it pale). We’ve discovered two actually beautiful swimming pools to swim in, which makes it much more pleasurable, and I’ve made some actual bodily enhancements. That’s been form of thoughts blowing – to truly see that occur. And to the purpose the place I used to be capable of swim 5km for Thoughts! However extra on that in a minute.
Izzy – I nonetheless can’t fairly consider that I acquired a pet this 12 months, that I even have a pet now. That’s undoubtedly not one thing I anticipated initially of the 12 months; it was most likely the very last thing I anticipated. However right here we’re and I’m head over heels in love together with her. Izzy is a golden Pomchi (half Pomeranian half Chihuahua) and he or she’s totally beautiful: she’s gentle and heat and snuggly and amazingly sensible. The bond we’re constructing is already so robust and so particular and which means a lot to me, despite the fact that it’s kicked up some laborious stuff. However I need nothing extra to like and defend her and he or she appears to really feel the identical, guarding me at virtually all instances and making an attempt to lick away my tears after I’m unhappy and trying to me when she’s distressed. My relationship with Fortunate was extremely particular and at all times will likely be however, simply as I realized after my first cat was put too sleep and we then acquired Lucy, I can love one other animal and never feeling like the brand new relationship is changing the outdated one. This relationship is new and particular in its personal methods and I really feel fortunate and honoured to have a pet to pour all of that love into.
Attending to fundraise for Thoughts – Attending to fundraise for Thoughts felt actually, actually particular, not simply because we managed to lift a lot extra money than I’d anticipated (over £600 in comparison with my aim of £200) which was superb, however as a result of I used to be lastly bodily able to doing it. I swam 5km for Thoughts, 1km an evening over seven nights, partly because of managing my hEDS and partly do the logistics of pool time, however I used to be actually happy with discovering a solution to make it work. I used to be exhausted and sore afterwards nevertheless it was completely price it. I used to be so impressed and so touched by the generosity of everybody who donated it and I used to be so happy with myself for committing to it and competing it. I sit up for doing one thing comparable sooner or later.
Spending my birthday with horses – My birthdays have been a supply of stress for fairly a very long time now so I’ve taken to both ignoring it fully or looking for one thing un-birthday-like however nonetheless particular to do. And this 12 months, I discovered myself occurring a wellbeing course that centred round horses. I’ve at all times cherished horses so, whereas the arrogance constructing stuff was laborious, it was so good to spend time with these beautiful animals once more. It was a very cool, attention-grabbing solution to spend the day.
The superb books I’ve learn this 12 months – I labored actually laborious to get again into studying this 12 months and I learn lots of actually good books. Those which have most moved and impressed me are Trista Mateer’s poetry, Blythe Baird’s poetry, The Anthropocene Reviewed by John Inexperienced, and Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow by Gabrielle Zevin. All of those books had a very profound impact on me and so they’ve all change into so particular, every a bit piece of my private artistic and creative mosaic. I don’t know why I picked them up after I did however I’m so grateful that I did.
A 12 months of Duolingo – It’s laborious to consider that I’ve now been studying Dutch for over a 12 months. It’s laborious to consider how far I’ve come. However I’ve and I’ve. It’s so unusual to me: I hated studying languages at college however I’ve cherished studying Dutch. There are many apparent causes for why I hated it at college however they’re not likely price dwelling on at this level however I had no concept after I began studying by way of Duolingo simply how a lot I’d find it irresistible, how restful I’d discover it, how a lot enjoyable I’d have. I had no concept that studying a language could possibly be such an pleasurable expertise – could possibly be pleasurable in any respect – after my faculty experiences and it’s even impressed me to consider different languages. However one factor at a time. I really like studying Dutch and I really feel no want to alter the best way I’m at the moment doing issues. I don’t know why I assumed to obtain the app that day however I’m actually glad I did and I’m happy with myself for opening it and training every single day since.
As I’ve repeatedly stated, to name my emotions a large number is the understatement of the 12 months. I used to be re-reading my publish from final 12 months and I don’t know if I can describe gratitude amidst despair and suicidal ideas any higher than I did then: “Once I really feel like this, like I’m drowning in my despair with these close to fixed suicidal ideas, issues to be thankful for really feel like a double edged sword. Typically they’re issues that make me really feel like I can preserve hanging on, even when only for a bit bit longer, and typically they really feel like weights tied to my ankles, maintaining me right here after I desperately don’t wish to be and I’ve to confess I resent them for that. So it’s something however easy. It’s good and dangerous and laborious and complicated; I can really feel in a different way, ten totally different instances in a day typically. However these are the objectively good issues in my life and I can recognise that. I needed to honour them for that.”
