If you feel a pang of anxiety every time the holidays roll around, bracing yourself for another round of forced merriment, you’re not alone.
Do you ever feel like a horrible human being for wanting to avoid what’s supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year”? As an introvert, any social gathering with more than four people (sometimes even two or three) is exhausting for me — and family parties are no exception. They can be awkward, too, especially when it comes to family you only see once every few years or when weird family dynamics are at play. (My aunt repeatedly asking, Why don’t you have a boyfriend? is nothing compared to some of the other drama that comes up.)
For as long as I can remember, I have dreaded big family events. As a teen, I had no choice but to sit awkwardly at the dinner table. My parents thought I was being a “brat” and didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be there. It’s only family, after all, they’d say. However, introvert or not, family dynamics can be too much for anyone at times. And since most introverts hate small talk, these get-togethers can be even more tiring and painful for us “quiet ones.”
I’m Not Only an Introvert, But a Socially Anxious Introvert
Not only am I an introvert who would much rather spend the holidays reading a book — alone — than attending a party, but I’m also a socially anxious introvert. Sometimes, my anxiety gets so intense that leaving the house to attend an event feels almost impossible.
While introversion is a personality trait we “quiet ones” are born with, anxiety is not. It’s something I’ve had to work on over time. Still, the combination of introversion and social anxiety definitely makes family gatherings more challenging.
Thankfully, I’m an adult now, and I’ve learned to navigate these situations. While I do decline some invitations (yes, that’s allowed!), there are others that feel mandatory. For those, I’ve developed coping strategies that help me manage my anxiety and resist the urge to bolt the minute I arrive. These tips have not only helped me survive those moments but have even — on occasion — allowed me to enjoy family gatherings.
How to Survive Family Gatherings as a Socially Anxious Introvert
1. Be on time (or even early) to allow yourself to settle in.
I always try to arrive on time because not only is it courteous, but it also gives me a chance to ease into the event without feeling overwhelmed. Arriving early means I can settle in while the crowd is still small, rather than walking into a fully packed room with all eyes on me.
Having those few quiet moments at the start helps me get my bearings and mentally prepare before the forced socializing kicks into high gear.
2. Give yourself a time limit, but leave early if you feel yourself turning into a grouch.
My family sometimes likes to party until 3 or 4 a.m., and even back in my college days, I didn’t enjoy staying up that late. These days, I’d much rather leave early than push myself to the point of exhaustion or irritability.
Set a time limit for how long you’ll stay at the party. For most gatherings, 2-3 hours is usually enough to grab some food, catch up with cousins, and make an appearance without overextending your social battery.
If you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself early. A simple “I have a headache” or “I have an early morning tomorrow” works just fine. There’s no need to force yourself to stay — it’ll only make things worse. Instead, give yourself credit for stepping out of your comfort zone and showing up, which is no small feat when you’re dealing with social anxiety.
3. Stick with the people you’re most comfortable with to conserve your energy.
Sit next to close family members, cousins, or anyone you feel relaxed and comfortable around. This makes it easier to have meaningful conversations that don’t feel forced or exhausting. Instead of small talk, you’re more likely to chat about topics that genuinely interest you, making the event feel less draining overall.
If the gathering feels overwhelming, try moving to a quieter part of the house with the people you enjoy being around. If possible, bring a good friend along — they can act as a buffer and help you manage interactions when your social timer starts ticking.
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4. Don’t carpool or room with others.
One of the best ways to survive a family gathering is to have your own transportation. Whether it’s your car, a cab, or a rideshare service (thank the introvert gods for Uber!), having a separate ride means you can leave whenever you need to without inconveniencing anyone.
If the event involves an overnight stay, try to secure your own room or accommodations instead of bunking with a dozen relatives at your aunt’s house. This will help you get that much-needed introvert recharge time away from everyone.
There’s nothing worse than being stuck rooming with a crowd, especially when you’re cooped up together for an entire weekend (or longer!). Having some alone time — even if it’s just late at night or early in the morning — will help you stay grounded and be a more pleasant person to be around.
If separate housing or transportation isn’t an option, it’s okay to bow out early. Simply let your family know you’ll only be staying for the day, and stick to your boundaries.
5. Run away (as fast as you can)!
Just kidding!
Unless it gets really bad — then by all means, high-tail it out of there. If you’re feeling extra uncomfortable, retreat to the bathroom or take a walk — nature has a way of soothing the introvert soul.
You can also offer to help out (preferably in the kitchen, away from most of the crowd) or run to the store for something the host forgot. These are my go-tos because they allow me to step away from the chaos while still being helpful.
These small breaks between socializing can make interactions more bearable and give your mind a distraction from the overwhelm.
6. Don’t feel you have to attend every family event.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, and every holiday in between — the number of family events can quickly add up. While most families only celebrate a few of these (lucky for us introverts!), if you find yourself drained by the idea of attending a dozen events a year, it’s perfectly okay to skip the ones you’re not into.
As introverts — and especially socially anxious introverts — even a regular day can feel as exhausting as running a 5K. Skipping a few events won’t hurt, as long as your family gets to see you occasionally.
A good rule of thumb is to skip one and attend the next. That way, you’re not always MIA, and people still know you’re around. For instance, if you went to the Hanukkah dinner, feel free to skip the New Year’s party.
That said, I love my family. As awkward or nerve-wracking as it might be to see them — even when they annoy me — they are here to stay. I also know they won’t be around forever, so I try to make the most of the time we do have together, even if it’s limited.
Even we introverts need people to lean on from time to time, and family can be that support.
What are your go-to introvert tactics for family time? Share them in the comments below! 
