Social gatherings, where we might meet potential dates, can be exhausting.
I haven’t been on a date in about a year. And it most definitely is from a lack of trying.
For young people who live near a vibrant college community, dating culture is very accessible to those who want it. It’s a routine aspect of my friends’ lives — I’ve seen them get dressed up regularly on the weekends, and I’ve heard far too many stories of their evening shenanigans with different women.
As entertaining as these stories are, I can honestly say that I am not too inspired to follow in their footsteps, an opinion which I think many introverted males share. (By the way, I recognize that introverted females can have the same issue, but for the purposes of this article, I’m focusing on my personal experience as an introverted guy.)
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Not Putting Myself Out There
Unfortunately, there is a certain amount of cognitive dissonance that I feel. Although I may not go on a lot of dates, I’ve repeatedly been told that college is where people find their life partners and that dating around is a prerequisite for that. I’ve also been told that dating is a fundamental part of the “traditional college experience,” and I tend to wonder what I might be missing out on by not “putting myself out there” as much.
Of course, I don’t presume that this article will exhaustively cover the challenges that each of us introverts faces when dating. I fully recognize that everyone is at a different stage in their lives, prioritizing different things, and that many introverts simply don’t want to go on dates.
However, I do think there are some common personality traits that introverted men share, presenting us with unique challenges (whether we’re in college or not). Here are some of them.
Challenges of Dating as an Introverted Man
1. Social gatherings, where we could meet potential dates, can be exhausting.
In a hypothetical contest of how many new people I interact with each week, I’d probably lose to my friends for the rest of my life. This is because we introverts have smaller social circles and tend to value genuine connections more than surface-level ones.
So, we may not see the benefit of regularly meeting new people and having a bunch of superficial interactions for the sake of finding one or two new people we really vibe with. It is mentally draining and doesn’t make a lot of logical sense when we can think of many enjoyable, introvert-friendly activities we’d rather be doing.
This tendency limits our options when it comes to dating. My friends have met their dates at concerts, bar nights, house parties, formals… the list goes on. I, on the other hand, tend to have a pretty fixed routine, interacting with the same groups of people during class, volunteering, and extracurricular activities.
As pessimistic as it might sound, we introverts also tend to be very mindful of the potential consequences when it comes to dating. The stakes are much lower when you ask out someone you’ve just met because if the date goes poorly, you both have the option of never interacting with each other again. For introverts like me, who have very consistent social circles, we have to be more mindful about asking people out.
Even when I do occasionally find myself at a large social gathering, I am not particularly focused on identifying dating prospects. If anything, I’m more focused on the clock, counting down the minutes until I can inconspicuously leave. Hence, the unfortunate irony — we don’t care much for meeting new people, but dating requires that we not only meet new people regularly but engage with them socially (and flirt, too!) beyond what we typically like.
2. The dating process seems inauthentic.
One of my friends has turned the dating process into an assembly line. He’ll scroll through Tinder, drop the same pick-up line across a dozen profiles, and wait to see who responds. More often than not, he gets left on “read” or receives a very dry response.
But it doesn’t seem to faze him. Even when he gets ghosted by women he’s been talking to for a while, he remains very nonchalant. In his own words, “It is what it is.”
Personally, I find his process horrifying. We introverts tend to spend a lot of time thinking and reflecting before acting. So, chances are, if we make an effort to initiate a conversation with someone new, we are quite invested.
No one likes to get rejected, and rejection stings even more when it comes from someone you really like. Is it really surprising, then, that we might choose to protect our own peace and sanity by avoiding asking people out in the first place? Our lives are filled with enough overanalysis and self-reflection as it is — adding dating to the mix is often too much.
I believe that social media has made this issue worse for introverted males. DM’ing people through Instagram or Snapchat removes many social cues and body language that we introverts excel at picking up on and introduces a lot of ambiguity into the dating process.
There are so many variables we need to think about when talking to someone over social media: How long do they take to reply? How long are their replies? What are they posting? Are you on their private stories? The list goes on and on, and we often end up getting stuck in an endless spiral of unanswered questions. (Again, this makes us overthink even more than usual!)
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3. “No labels” makes dating confusing and ambiguous.
A lot of introverts like me hate ambiguity. Period. To this end, I believe many introverted males have come to realize that ambiguity in dating is the worst possible kind of ambiguity; there is little you can do to address it.
Confused about your career? No problem, speak to your boss. Confused about school? Talk to your professors. But what are you supposed to do when you get confused about your dating partner?
No one wants to come off as needy or desperate, so we’re supposed to “play it cool.” But we also have to show that we care, right? But we can’t care too much — otherwise, it’s a turn-off…
Part of the problem with dating is that everyone has different expectations. Some people are dating for fun. Some people are dating to get married. Some want to build their social circles. Like many other introverted males, I’m looking for someone with whom I can cultivate a meaningful relationship.
To add another layer of complexity, we have seen a recent boom in terms like “situationships.” You could be dating someone for three months and still not be considered “official.” To me, why on earth would we ever want to dive into a dating pool filled with so much uncertainty and unclear expectations?
Where Does That Leave Us?
As negative as some of this article may sound, I don’t think that dating is completely a lost cause for introverted males. However, I do think that successful dating — dating in a way that preserves our sanity — requires us to reconsider our approach.
First, I advise against using dating apps. While they may work well for our extroverted friends, introverts might feel drained by mindlessly swiping through a list of profiles and making lots of small talk. Instead, I recommend finding ways to meet people organically — joining groups and organizations dedicated to a hobby or interest you have (such as music, writing, sports, you name it). This is a surefire way to create social connections that actually feel meaningful.
Second, I advocate for setting clear dating expectations from the beginning. Address the ambiguity! We introverts are great at introspection, and the moment we recognize ourselves catching feelings for a dating partner, we should feel confident in expressing them. Worst case? Our dates don’t reciprocate, and we save ourselves a lot of unnecessary mental torment down the line. Introverts thrive on open communication and honesty, and this is doubly true when navigating the dating pool.
Just like in every other aspect of our lives, I believe that the key to successful dating as an introverted man is to be yourself. Chances are, we will attract people who we’d genuinely enjoy not only dating, but learning and growing with, too. 
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