If you would have asked me when I was young if I would ever be a father, then I would probably have said no. First of all, I felt that it would be difficult to find someone in this world that I could form such a strong bond with that parenting ever would be on the map. Also, I never felt that being a father was an obvious way for me in the future. The few times when I met small children, it never felt natural and meeting parents and their children felt like something from another world. They all seemed like they knew what they were doing in a way I never thought would be possible for me.
For some kind of strange reason, I decided to read at the university to become a teacher despite my lack of connection with children. I did not fully realize that this path was not for me. I studied and worked for a couple of years as a teacher’s assistant and the children liked me. I was able to do a quite good job, but I never felt at home in that environment. During some of the breaks, I was out in the schoolyard trying to solve conflicts between children while having Autism and it was not just for me. It is hard enough trying to understand social signals among adults, but trying to do this with children is next level.
I stopped working in the school system and after that I have had very little use for the three and a half years I studied at the university. I continued to work with some basic work where I did not have to think too much and had too much responsibility, mostly in a store in Sweden that sells tools and other things. I was single and met different women over the years, but I had a hard time finding that special someone. When I was almost 31 years old I found her, a fantastic girl from Venezuela with a big heart and now 14 years later, we are still together. With her, everything felt so natural and I could see myself having a family together with her.
Six years ago, we received our beautiful little daughter Victoria and a new chapter in my book of life opened. It was an amazing moment to hold my own newborn baby in my arms. I am lucky to have a strong woman at my side and she is a fantastic mother who takes care of our daughter so well. She allows me to be a father the way I can and it has worked out just fine. I was a little nervous about how things would be, but it has been better than I hoped for. Victoria loves me and I love her too and even if I am Autistic and tired all the time from having chronic fatigue syndrome.
I feel that our relationship is more natural than I thought it would ever be. I don’t have so much energy to do things with her, but the time that we have is valuable. Sometimes I play with her dolls or buy things in her toy store or read a book for her, but every night I give her a hug and tell her that I love her. Every day, we eat dinner together and we talk about her day or things from her fantasy. I also have parents that help me a lot, especially my mother who is so kind. She is babysitting a lot and it gives me time to rest.
Often I feel insufficient and wish that I could have energy to do more things with my daughter and my girlfriend, but at least I am alive and there for them. I have a chronic fatigue syndrome for many years but it is during the last 20 months that my health has become worse. Before that, I was sick a few days, but I was a lot better than what I am now. I could have a relatively normal life at that time. I could do some travelling and do more things, but right now it is hard and I cannot do much at all. I can only hope that my health is going to improve again with time.
I feel that I have grown into my role as a father and I don’t overthink things so much. It has given me a new better life with more purpose. I have more reason to live now and I feel more grounded in a good way. I am happy and grateful that I have my small family and I am looking forward to seeing my daughter grow and guide her through life. Of course, she has to find her own path in life, but I will be there for her and give her my love. I don’t think that we should judge ourselves too hard, as long as we truly do our best being a parent, it is good enough.
Daniel Antonsson is a 43 year old Autistic man living in Sweden with his Venezuelan girlfriend and four year old daughter. He has always enjoyed writing about different subjects and being able to publish for the Art of Autism make him feel truly blessed.
