By Mayre Flores
I felt immense relief after being diagnosed with ADHD. It was great to finally know why I was struggling with my daily activities. It wasn’t laziness, it wasn’t a lack of intelligence, and it wasn’t “just a quirk.”
As a child, I masked my signs of ADHD (and autism) as best I could until they would eventually show with great subtlety — specially at school. After a long school day, my frustrations often led to meltdowns once I got home. My parents were often at a loss, wondering why I was emotionally dysregulated at home. They thought I would grow out of it, but I didn’t.
When I think about my struggles as a child, I shut down in frustration. I think about mistakes I’ve made because I had a hard time managing my then undiagnosed ADHD. Even as an adult, I find myself embarrassed about things I could have handled better had I known I had ADHD.
I’ve spent so much time grieving these revelations that I failed to realize the need to forgive myself for what I didn’t know. So, every time I have a flashback, I say to myself, “It’s OK. You are knowledgeable now. And you are going at your own pace.”
One might ask, “Why would you have to forgive yourself for not knowing you had a learning disability?” And for me, the answer is guilt. I felt guilty for the way my behaviors affected others.
I felt guilty for stressing my parents out, for acting impulsively, and for giving teachers whiplash after understanding lessons on some days but then not on others. I felt guilty for not accomplishing things at the same rate as my peers. And if I’m being honest, that was my biggest regret.
Things could have been different had I known why I was struggling, but I can’t change the past.
So lately I’ve been watching a lot of videos on gentle parenting — not because I’m a parent but because I’m trying to heal my inner child. As a child with an undiagnosed ADHD the world was scary, it was intimidating, and it was too much for me to handle.
I’m discovering better ways to feel less guilty about receiving a late diagnosis. I’m reading books authored by neurodivergent folks, I’m speaking with a therapist, and I’m surrounded by the support of my family and friends. I’m giving myself grace because I was just a kid.
I think that kid deserves a break from feeling guilty.
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Thank you Mayre for giving us permission to share your writing.
