Living with roommates or family means introverts can’t always escape the noise and stimulation.
I’ll be honest: I’ve always had a tough time living with other people, even those I really like. Whether it’s a roommate, a significant other, or my family, there always comes a point when I’m holed up in my bedroom, desperate for some solitude. Some days, all I want is an empty house with no interruptions.
As an introvert, I know I’m not alone in this feeling.
Maybe you’re an introvert yourself, or maybe you’re an extrovert living with an introvert and wondering about some of your roommate’s strange behavior. To help clarify things, here’s why it can be hard for introverts to live with others and three things I’ve learned to make it easier for everyone involved.
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The Hard Truth About Sharing a Home
Let’s be real: Sharing a home can be tough for anyone, whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert. We all have our own definition of “clean,” our sleep habits, weekend goals, needs, and preferences. However, for us introverts, who are naturally private and need plenty of alone time, sharing a home can be even more challenging. Let me explain.
After a long day of work or school, or after running multiple errands, introverts need alone time to recharge. Interactions with chatty coworkers, classmates, and the general public drain our energy and often leave us completely wiped out. This might explain why many of us are extremely territorial — we find house guests intrusive and dislike yielding our intimate spaces to others for more than a few hours at a time.
An introvert’s brain processes every little thing deeply, sometimes making interactions with others utterly exhausting, especially for highly sensitive introverts. We need quiet time to retreat into our inner world and think things through without interruptions. This solitude allows us to re-energize and bounce back, giving us the energy we need to spend quality time with our friends and family again.
If we don’t get this precious time alone, things can deteriorate quickly. If pushed to be outgoing for too long, we may become irritable, emotional, anxious, or even depressed.
Introvert hangover, anyone?
So, it’s not that we introverts are recluses, hermits, or “anti-social.” It’s just that many human interactions drain our energy. Here’s a hard truth: When we share our home with other people, there are times when we physically cannot escape all the noise and stimulation — and that’s a terrifying prospect. For many introverts, the constant company can be completely overwhelming, even if we enjoy having those people in our lives.
So what’s an introvert to do?
Practical Tips for Introverts Sharing a Home
1. Create a space of your own.
Every introvert needs a refuge, a place to escape when the noise and pressure of the world become too much. If you live alone, your home is your refuge. However, if you live with family, a partner, or roommates, you’ll need to find a secluded spot to call your own.
Your bedroom is the most obvious choice, but an unused attic or basement can work as well. Your retreat should be comfortable. Make sure there’s somewhere cozy to sit, like a bed, couch, or chair. Multiple pillows and blankets are essential. Embrace a little hygge and stock your space with candles, thick socks, and an electric kettle for tea during the cooler months.
You’ll also want your haven to have everything you need to keep your mind happily engaged — things like personal electronics, books, journals, art supplies, or anything for your hobbies. Snacks won’t hurt either. Simply put, your solo-time hideaway should be a self-contained space you can retreat to whenever you need it most.
Here are some more tips from an interior designer to create your own introvert bedroom sanctuary.
Of course, if you sleep with a partner, you’ll need to learn how to share a bed and your bedroom in a way that works for both of you. This will likely include setting some rules and guidelines and a fair amount of communication and compromise.
Speaking of communication…
2. Communicate your needs.
No matter your relationship with the people you live with, it’s essential to communicate why you need time alone and how it benefits both you and your relationship with them. This is especially important in a romantic relationship, as your partner might misinterpret your need for solo time as a sign they’ve upset you. For example, you might say:
- “I need some quiet time to recharge so I can be my best self around you.”
- “Having alone time helps me relax.”
- “When I get enough time to myself, I’m able to give more energy and attention to our relationship.”
- “It’s not about you; it’s just how I refuel my energy.”
Remember, you may need to repeat this explanation a few times, especially if your housemates are extroverts. Share articles (like this one) and books about introversion (such as The Secret Lives of Introverts by Jenn Granneman) with your loved ones to help them understand why you thrive when you’ve had plenty of time to decompress alone.
3. Find ways to compromise.
Part of maintaining healthy relationships is compromising when necessary. Though you may want to come home from work and immediately retreat to your bedroom, your loved ones want to see your beautiful face and spend quality time together.
You can accommodate each other by splitting the evening (or weekends) into chunks of time spent both together and apart. For example, you can spend 20 minutes relaxing alone after coming home from work, then cook and eat a meal with your partner, family, or roommate. You might also choose to watch a movie together or, if you’re the active type, go for a group bike ride. After enjoying some time together, you can then retreat to your bedroom and enjoy the rest of the evening alone.
However, never compromise in a way that continually harms your health or happiness as an introvert. Healthy compromise means everyone involved is willing to experience short-lived discomfort for future gain, like a happier relationship.
Do you ever struggle to know what to say?
As an introvert, you actually have the ability to be an amazing conversationalist — even if you’re quiet and hate small talk. To learn how, we recommend this online course from our partner Michaela Chung. Click here to check out the Introvert Conversation Genius course.
Tips for Extroverts Living With Introverts
If you’re an extrovert living with an introvert, it’s important to respect their need for alone time. Understand that their need for solitude isn’t a reflection of how they feel about you. Giving them space to recharge will help them be more present and engaged when you do spend time together. Try to find a balance between socializing and allowing them the quiet time they need. Open communication is key, so check in with them about their needs and be willing to adjust your expectations accordingly.
(If you’re curious, here’s the science behind why introverts need alone time.)
And if you’re the introvert, remember that sharing a home successfully involves communicating your needs, compromising when necessary, and taking time to yourself when needed. Spending time alone isn’t selfish; it’s self-care. What’s good for you is also good for the people you love. 
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