TW: Dialogue of melancholy, self hurt, and suicidal ideas and ideation.
Very like final 12 months, I don’t know learn how to sum up this 12 months. I don’t suppose I’ve it in me to put in writing an extended submit that entails such intense feelings and I feel that, if I wait till I do, we would all be ready a really very long time so I’m simply going to put in writing till I can’t anymore and that’ll be that. It’s simply too arduous.
Whereas there have been good moments (a few of which may be seen within the collage beneath), it’s been a fucking painful 12 months and it’s now the third New 12 months’s Eve that I’ve spent crippled by melancholy, suicidal ideas, and overwhelming concern and dread across the future. I’m fairly positive I’m in full autistic burnout and I really feel like I’m dwelling in a fog. Final 12 months, I feel I described my melancholy as a drought however, this 12 months, I feel the higher metaphor is drowning: I really feel like I’m drowning on this melancholy and I’ve so little power left that staying afloat is feeling an increasing number of not possible. I’m so drained. I’m bored with making an attempt so arduous, of feeling like I’m not making an attempt arduous sufficient; I’m bored with feeling this manner, of feeling like issues won’t ever get higher, like there’s no level in even making an attempt to really feel higher as a result of there’s nothing price feeling higher for. It simply seems like there’s a lot dangerous on this planet, a lot agony, that it isn’t a world I need to dwell in. I really feel damaged; I really feel like a major instance of a faulty human being. There have been good issues, like I stated, but it surely looks like they’ll by no means simply be good issues: there’s at all times a lot dangerous or arduous knotted up in them that having fun with them isn’t as simple because it sounds. I miss feeling secure. I miss feeling secure to really feel issues.
A giant, arduous a part of this 12 months has been that I began taking Phenelzine once more, for the third time. I didn’t need to and I felt coerced by the circumstances to take it. I used to be so indignant about all of it that I made doubtlessly my most dramatic, self damaging transfer thus far: I reduce my face after which, when it bought contaminated, I used to be so reluctant to deal with it that I’ve ended up with a reasonably seen scar. Probably the most complicated a part of it was that, regardless that I didn’t need anybody to deliver it up, I used to be shocked that nobody did; it appeared just like the sort of factor that may set off some alarm. Simply as I imagined voicing constant suicidal would however nobody’s actually commented on that both. It solely makes the expertise extra isolating and lonely. However again to the Phenelzine: whereas it helped me get off the bed and exit at times, it hasn’t had the identical impression that it’s beforehand had on my temper, even on the upper dose. And that implies that I’ve formally run out of remedy choices. I’ve been going to remedy persistently, for probably the most half, however I really feel prefer it’s getting more durable and more durable; there have been periods the place I’ve left feeling traumatised. We’ll be making an attempt one thing completely different within the new 12 months however I’m struggling to really feel hopeful, however that’s not particular to simply remedy.
I take a look at the collage I made for this 12 months and though I bear in mind every of those moments, I really feel disconnected from them; the feelings really feel dulled. Rather a lot has occurred, considerably to my shock…
I went to a number of small reveals; I went to hydrotherapy religiously and began physiotherapy; I bought adopted by a pet after which had my coronary heart damaged when she was taken away; I went to Nashville for Tin Pan South; my utility for an Autism Service Canine was profitable; I launched my single, ‘Home on Fireplace,’ in addition to creating the entire visuals for it; I used to be recognized with Fibromyalgia; I went to artwork exhibitions (and even helped to construct my favorite artwork piece, Respiratory Room); I frolicked with mates, on-line and in actual life; I travelled to Germany for the marriage of one among my finest mates and was reunited with a number of mates that I hadn’t seen in years; I bought to hang around with a few of my American mates after they carried out right here; I fought for Taylor Swift tickets; I had my coronary heart damaged once more when the rescue pet we utilized for was homed with another person; I went to some wonderful concert events; I met Amanda Tapping once more and she or he’s nonetheless one of the great individuals I’ve ever recognized; I began performing once more; I learn books and watched motion pictures and TV reveals that are actually amongst my favourites; I adopted a pet (which nonetheless doesn’t sound actual to me); I swam 5km for Thoughts, elevating over £600; I went to a number of Maisie Peters reveals and bought to satisfy her too; one among my cats bought very sick and we needed to nurse her again to well being; my aunt died; I modified coronary heart drugs; and I labored on plenty of completely different musical and educational work. I do know all of this stuff occurred; I bear in mind them clearly but it surely’s like watching them play on a display screen. I do know these reminiscences are mine however they don’t really feel like mine. It’s bizarre and unhappy.
I’m so drained. I’m bored with masking however I don’t know learn how to cease. I really feel damaged – bodily, mentally, and emotionally – however as arduous as I strive, it by no means seems like sufficient. Over ten years later, it must be getting higher not worse, proper?
I don’t know what else to say. Life feels more and more scary, internally and externally, and I simply really feel too damaged to handle. I don’t know the way individuals stroll round with out the entire concern and grief and anxiousness that I do, that I see as such an intrinsic a part of being human. As I wrote final 12 months, “I don’t know what tomorrow brings. I don’t know what I would like it to. I didn’t need this 12 months. I didn’t anticipate to nonetheless be right here and I’m not pleased or happy or grateful for that. I really feel pathetic and silly and cowardly; I really feel damaged past restore. I really feel frozen, overwhelmed by all of those huge emotions. If emotions may kill you, I feel these would have.“
