Sure, I’m very conscious that February is lengthy gone however I actually wanted to write down that final publish and I simply didn’t really feel like I might publish the rest till I’d gotten that out of my system. However now I’ve and hopefully I can publish a bit extra often; I’ve missed writing and posting right here. As I stated in my earlier publish, I’d deliberate to take a break originally of the yr, to finish a few of my unfinished posts and to clear the cobwebs from my mind however then that clearly didn’t occur. However now that I’m writing once more, hopefully I can get these completed up and get again to writing about a number of the issues happening within the current.
Anyway, again to FAWM…
I wrote eleven songs through the twenty-nine days of February, not fairly assembly the February Album Writing Month purpose of fourteen songs however I’m not anxious about that. As you’ll know in case you learn my final publish, there was a whole lot of stuff – a whole lot of very emotional, upsetting stuff – happening and so I’m fairly happy with myself for writing something in any respect. However not solely that, I wrote some songs that I’m actually, actually happy with. Over the month, I shared snippets of the songs on TikTok and, whereas I all the time get pleasure from sharing songs, there are some that I’d moderately not discuss intimately, for varied causes. So I’ll write about just a few of them and depart the others open to interpretation…
- Mess You Made – I’d been turning this music over in my head for some time earlier than FAWM began however the problem gave me the push to sit down down and really write it. I wished to write down a couple of previous expertise that had been actually traumatic and the way, though you may get over and previous the precise factor, it may be a lot more durable to recover from the way it affected you. I don’t care about the one that harm me anymore – I actually couldn’t care much less about her and her life – however I’m nonetheless carrying a whole lot of trauma from what she did to me; I’m nonetheless working by way of it.
- Too Sophisticated – I wrote this music about my expertise of repeatedly being known as ‘too difficult’ by healthcare employees and the influence that that’s had on me and on my sense of self. On the one hand, it’s simply scary to be advised that you simply’re too troublesome to deal with and it turns into arduous to consider that you simply’ll ever get higher. Nevertheless it additionally actually messes together with your head to listen to, time and again, that you’re too difficult, too complicated, too troublesome. After which be tossed apart and forgotten about due to it. So I wrote about that feeling, which was a reasonably cathartic expertise.
- In The Timber – The theme of one other problem was to write down about nature and I’d been interested by that loads, about how I might write a music that didn’t really feel contrived or prefer it might’ve been written by anybody. There have been a number of photographs I used to be impressed by, like Halley’s Comet and flowers rising by way of concrete and the way nature all the time reclaims the city panorama, however I hadn’t been capable of flip any of them into a selected music. After which I remembered the urge I usually must flee civilisation and dwell in a cabin within the woods, away from individuals and overstimulation and battle, and so on. It’s a need that I’ve heard from a number of neurodivergent individuals, which is attention-grabbing, so I wrote that music: escaping into the woods and the sentiments that that thought impressed in me.
- Management – I’ve had this refrain in my head for a very long time and I’d all the time thought I’d find yourself utilizing it in a music about myself, about anxiousness and feeling uncontrolled. However then, in February, I watched somebody I had all the time considered so regular spin uncontrolled and take it out on me. It was an upsetting and painful and traumatising expertise but it surely helped to have the ability to pour all of these emotions straight right into a music, to precise all of that anger and harm and really feel heard. If I needed to checklist my songs so as of how therapeutic they have been to write down, this one can be excessive on the checklist.
- If I May Go Again – I wrote this music, interested by how I’d’ve dealt with a heartbreak in another way, how I’d doubtlessly deal with it if it occurred now. On the time, I used to be nonetheless a young person and it was my first actual heartbreak and I used to be simply floored by it. However now, years later, I’m much less uncomfortable with being offended and so, whereas there most likely wouldn’t be as a lot vandalism as depicted within the music, there would probably be extra confrontation. It additionally touches on the thought of whether or not or not you’d nonetheless wish to know somebody no matter how the connection ended…
- Responsible Verdict – I’ve been interested by this music for years. A good friend of mine shared with me a traumatic expertise she’d gone by way of and the way the perpetrator has by no means been punished for it. That’s clearly her story to inform and I’d by no means take that away from her however I’ve struggled with the heaviness of all of it for a very long time and so I’d think about varied eventualities the place he received what he deserved; on this music, I wrote about ruining his life and his repute and ending up in court docket however there was no proof to convict me and I used my testimony to accuse him publicly of his crimes. It was very satisfying to check after which write however I feel, if one thing ever did occur to him, it will doubtlessly make me suspect primary.
- Go Forward And Gaslight Me / One thing To Show (I nonetheless haven’t selected the title) – Throughout a sequence of very intense and emotional interactions in February, I felt very manipulated and gaslit by the opposite particular person (which was, clearly, an terrible expertise) however what impressed the music was that the breakdown of this relationship was how intently it mirrored an analogous expertise from years earlier (which I’d talked about with this particular person extensively). Again then, it took me a very long time to untangle all of it however, this time, I noticed all of it because it was taking place. I used to be so offended and harm that this particular person would deal with me that approach, not to mention within the precise approach they knew had been traumatic for me, that I wrote this music as a approach of processing the tip of the connection as a result of that was one thing I might by no means forgive; that belief simply couldn’t be repaired.
Writing a music on guitar
Writing a music on guitar with Izzy
Writing one music on guitar (left) and attempting to write down one other music on guitar whereas Izzy watched intently (proper).
Given the whole lot that’s been happening, it was unexpectedly helpful to have the exterior stress to write down as a result of it pressured me to work by way of my emotions immediately: all the anger and harm and grief was taking over a lot house in my mind so it was… therapeutic, to a sure extent, to write down about them whereas I used to be nonetheless in them. It wasn’t like there was a lot house for every other emotions in order that they have been the plain ones to attract from and write about. For many of my songwriting profession, I’ve written about experiences and feelings after the actual fact – after they’re over and I’ve mirrored on them fairly extensively – however the timing of this problem meant that I used to be writing about these emotions as I used to be experiencing them, as they have been ebbing and flowing, as they have been evolving. It was a really unusual expertise however not one I remorse (the writing course of that’s; I’m positively not so sanguine about the whole lot that occurred through the month that impressed these songs).
In earlier years, I’d’ve been annoyed that I didn’t meet the official purpose and doubtless would’ve overwhelmed myself up over ‘not attempting arduous sufficient’ however I actually have no real interest in doing that this yr; I don’t really feel the necessity to both. I did say this final yr however the circumstances have been very totally different. My mindset round creating feels actually totally different as of fairly lately and I feel there’s been a whole lot of progress. Creating feels thrilling and limitless in a approach that I don’t suppose I’ve ever felt; if I’ve felt it earlier than, it’s been a really, very very long time.
