Parents play a pivotal role in encouraging healthy relationship-building for their children on the spectrum. Teaching relationship skills to autistic children involves fostering an understanding of trust, vulnerability, and boundaries.
These principles are essential for building meaningful connections while respecting individual comfort levels.
Download your FREE guide on
5 Great Ways to Better Connect with Your Child with Autism
The importance of boundaries
A simple phrase like “What is mine is mine, what is yours is yours” can help children and young adults on the spectrum understand boundaries. As they begin to develop relationships, feelings can get hurt by other people’s actions, words, and inactions.
Parents can help children through these experiences by teaching them to trust, be vulnerable, and set limits. These skills form the foundation of healthy and fulfilling relationships.
Understanding the types of relationships
First, relationships come in various shapes and sizes. When we hear the word “relationships,” we typically think of love and romance. However, every person we come into contact with has a relationship with us.
Relationships include any interaction where people relate or connect. They are about connecting, having things in common, and wanting to spend time with the other person. We have many types of relationships: family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc.
How to build relationships: Key principles
There are three essential aspects of building relationships that parents can teach their children: trust, vulnerability, and boundaries.
Teach your child about trust
Trust is the belief that others will keep their promises and actions. Teaching autistic children the importance of keeping their word helps them build trust with others.
For example, if your child schedules a playdate, emphasize the importance of showing up on time and playing fairly. They should also learn to recognize when others consistently fail to keep their promises, which might indicate a lack of trustworthiness.
If your young adult says they will be going to work at 8:00 am, can the supervisor trust and be sure they will be there on time? Knowing that others will do what they say builds trust.
It is important to teach our children and young adults to keep their promises and that others should do the same.
If someone constantly breaks their promise, scheduled appointments, or their word, then maybe that person cannot be trusted as much.
The role of vulnerability
Vulnerability involves deciding how much personal information to share and with whom. Teach your child that trust and vulnerability go hand in hand.
For example, a child may trust their teacher because they know the teacher will provide a fun, educational day for them. In these situations, the child may feel vulnerable with the teacher and share their needs, wants, and issues more freely.
On the other hand, children and young adults may be less vulnerable with people they just met, like a new friend or neighbor. As they start to learn more about the new individual, they may be willing to share more about themselves.
Depending on the type of relationship, we may share more specific details with those who are closer to us than others. For example, some children may share their hopes, fears, and dreams with some friends and not some family members.
Like what you’re reading?
UNLOCK FULL ACCESS (50%OFF)
Encourage your child to start with neutral topics like hobbies and interests, gradually exploring deeper conversations as trust grows. Discussing sensitive subjects, such as personal beliefs or fears, should come later in the relationship.
As the relationship develops, more conversations may occur as each person in the relationship develops trust and vulnerability.
Setting healthy boundaries
Boundaries are the limits individuals set in relationships to protect their comfort and well-being. Teach your child that they don’t need to agree to everything to maintain friendships.
For example, if a friend suggests going out for pizza, but your child prefers sandwiches, they can propose an alternative. They could suggest having chicken tonight and pizza the next time.
Role-playing scenarios can help your child practice asserting their boundaries in a safe and supportive environment.
Boundaries also extend to the topics discussed. Your child may feel comfortable sharing career aspirations with a relative but may choose not to share certain personal challenges. It’s crucial to empower them to decide what feels right for them.
Your child may not want to “disappoint” you in sharing these interests if they believe these interests would upset you. Similarly, they may confide in you about a challenge they are facing and wish not to talk about it with others.
Some clients I work with tell me they feel they must continue to show up and be present when others might not be trustworthy, share too much, or are not respecting boundaries. This is not the case! This is when we discuss boundaries.
Helping autistic children navigate relationships
It is important that we help our children and young adults explore a variety of scenarios and allow them to consider how they would react.
Download your FREE guide on
5 Great Ways to Better Connect with Your Child with Autism
Every relationship is unique and requires ongoing communication, understanding, and compromise. Parents can support their children by:
- Role-playing scenarios: Practice conversations or potential social situations to build confidence.
- Exploring feelings: Discuss how certain interactions make your child feel and how they want to respond.
- Encouraging communication: Reinforce the importance of expressing their needs and preferences clearly.
Teaching relationship skills to autistic children
Role-playing or discussing details of specific scenarios may help you discover what your child and young adult are willing to discuss or do.
If they are presented with the idea of going out for pizza and do not want to, they do not have to give in to keep a friend. They can say, “Instead of having pizza tonight, let’s have sandwiches.” Or, instead of meeting for dinner, let’s meet after dinner.
Boundaries, trust, and vulnerability are learned over time. They may change based on the situation, who is involved, and past experiences. Communication about what your child and young adult want and are comfortable with is an important starting point.
Parents can equip autistic children with the tools to form meaningful, healthy connections by teaching them relationship skills. With time and guidance, children and young adults on the spectrum can navigate the complexities of relationships while remaining true to themselves.
FAQs
Q: How do you help an autistic child with relationships?
A: You can help by teaching social skills through role-playing, modeling, and visual supports, which provide clear examples of positive interactions. Encouraging shared interests and fostering environments where they feel safe and understood can enhance their ability to form meaningful connections.
Q: Can you teach an autistic child social skills?
A: Yes, social skills can be taught using structured approaches, such as social stories, video modeling, and peer-mediated interventions. Consistent practice and reinforcement in real-world settings help solidify these skills.
Q: How do you build positive relationships with autism?
A: Building positive relationships involves patience, respecting their communication style, and creating a predictable and accepting environment. Actively listening and valuing their perspectives fosters trust and mutual understanding.
Q: Why do autistic people struggle to maintain relationships?
A: Autistic people may struggle with communication differences, difficulty understanding social cues, and sensory sensitivities. These challenges can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of being overwhelmed in social interactions.
References
Sedgewick, F., Crane, L., Hill, V., & Pellicano, E. (2019). Friends and lovers: The relationships of autistic and neurotypical women. Autism in Adulthood, 1(2), 112-123. https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/aut.2018.0028
Cresswell, L., Hinch, R., & Cage, E. (2019). The experiences of peer relationships amongst autistic adolescents: A systematic review of the qualitative evidence. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 61, 45-60. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S175094671930011X
Black, M. H., Kuzminski, R., Wang, J., Ang, J., Lee, C., Hafidzuddin, S., & McGarry, S. (2024). Experiences of friendships for individuals on the autism spectrum: A scoping review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 11(1), 184-209. https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40489-022-00332-8
Sosnowy, C., Silverman, C., Shattuck, P., & Garfield, T. (2019). Setbacks and successes: How young adults on the autism spectrum seek friendship. Autism in Adulthood, 1(1), 44-51. https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/abs/10.1089/aut.2018.0009
Sedgewick, F., & Pellicano, L. (2019). Friendships on the autism spectrum. In Girls and autism (pp. 126-135). Routledge. https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/edit/10.4324/9781351234429-16/friendships-autism-spectrum-felicity-sedgewick-liz-pellicano
Finke, E. H., McCarthy, J. H., & Sarver, N. A. (2019). Self-perception of friendship style: Young adults with and without autism spectrum disorder. Autism & Developmental Language Impairments, 4, 2396941519855390. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/2396941519855390
