Online friendships might suit introverts because we’d rather write out our thoughts than say them on the spot.
“Hey, why did you slam the door on me?” a friend I’d had for many years asked me decades ago while we were both getting to know the pros and cons of online chatting in the early days of America Online’s Instant Messenger app (AIM).
At first, I was completely confused and taken aback by the anger edging her words. Then I realized the tool made the abrupt sound of a banging door when a friend went offline.
I didn’t know this right away because I usually kept my speakers muted — shutting out unexpected noises helped me cultivate the calmness I love and need as an introvert. However, once I got to the bottom of my friend’s question, I explained how my internet connection was often unstable and might boot me offline.
Online Miscommunication Issues
The solution to the door slam? I set expectations by saying I’d always explicitly indicate if I was ending the conversation. In all other cases, she should assume my sudden departure was an internet blip.
I still think back on that interaction because it reminded me how much easier it is to take things the wrong way when communicating with someone online versus in person. Now, I have numerous fulfilling friendships with people I only know from the internet, and I’m betting other introverts do, too. (After all, such relationships play to our strengths — like how we prefer to put our thoughts into writing instead of spontaneously speaking them aloud.)
However, I’ve learned that online friendships can have some potential complications and considerations, too. Knowing about them can help you decide if they’re worth your time.
4 Tips for Online Friendships
1. Try not to take sudden silence personally.
I know ghosting someone has become incredibly common and accepted in today’s culture, but I strongly disagree with it. Sure, it’s absolutely fine to end a relationship of any kind that’s not working, and you should feel free to do it for any reason or none at all. But I’m also adamant that it takes virtually no effort to let the affected person know that. Saying something as simple and straightforward as, “Hey, I don’t want to continue this friendship/relationship,” suffices. If more people had extended that courtesy to me over the years, I would have spent much less time wracking my brain about what had happened.
A couple of years ago, I felt motivated to try and make more friends. I did so by heading to Reddit and finding a community of like-minded people. Reddit has content separated into topic-based forums called subreddits. Whether you’re into houseplants, anime, frugal living, or anything in between, Reddit has you covered!
I was initially excited by how many people responded to what I posted… but at least half of them eventually stopped talking to me without any explanation.
I found all the instances very perplexing, and spending so much time analyzing things as a quiet introvert really didn’t help. I kept wondering if I’d said something that the other person misinterpreted. There were no outward signs of things going wrong; the friendships seemed to be good. Sometimes, I’d wonder what it was about me that made the person want to stop communicating. Was it me?
The most jarring instance was when a new friend and I scheduled a video call through Discord. It offers public and private servers you can join to chat about different subjects and have video or text-based conversations with fellow users. I had a really enjoyable time talking to this new person — the feeling seemed mutual — and our conversation lasted for a couple of hours. We had already been writing long messages to each other, and it seemed we had even more in common during this first voice call. But I never heard from him again after that.
Point being, it’s definitely hard, but try not to let ghosting get you down during your quest to make online friends. The reality is, you can’t know what caused the other person to do that. Maybe it was something to do with you, but there’s just as high of a chance it wasn’t. Since their prolonged silence can’t tell you the truth, there’s no need to work yourself into a frenzy by going over every little thing that happened up to that point.
2. Boundaries: Be honest about communication limitations.
One pervasive belief about online forms of communication is that people think they should get responses within minutes and start feeling worried if those replies don’t come. Once it becomes clear you want to keep an online friendship going, I’d highly recommend putting the other person at ease and keeping them informed about any potential gaps in your communication flow.
There have been countless times when I’ve had such a socially draining day in the real world that I just can’t face diving into the online realm to chat with a friend. In those cases, I’ll at least write a brief message to keep the person in the loop. Just telling them, “Hey, I’m feeling really swamped by life at the moment, but I’ll reply as soon as I can. Thanks so much for your patience!” assures them that everything is basically okay. (You can also be more brief and say you’re tired/drained and will get back to them tomorrow.)
My online friends and I have supported each other through COVID-19 cases, car crashes, extensive home remodeling, new jobs, and much more. Given how up-and-down life can be — even at the best of times — I feel the least I can do is explain why I can’t reply just yet.
Several of my online friends are fellow introverts, so they absolutely understand where I’m coming from. I’ve never gotten any pushback, and my friends regularly say they appreciate my checking in to let them know what’s happening with me.
I’d recommend applying this tip when it has been several days (or hours, or what have you) longer than usual since your last reply. All my online friends communicate with different frequencies, and you’ll probably have a similar experience.
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3. Stay safe — think of all online content as a digital paper trail.
Occasionally, I’ve first met friends online before eventually connecting in person. The first instance happened when I was about 16 and had bonded with two twins from a neighboring state over our shared love of the boy band NSYNC.
At the time, my mom’s rule was that I had to go by my middle name when talking to anyone online. She thought that’d be safer. However, you can imagine how complicated that got when everything aligned so I’d be meeting these twins at an upcoming concert. I didn’t use my middle name for any other reason, and none of my family members addressed me with it.
Eventually, the use of my middle name got so awkward during the in-person meeting that my mom told the twins and their mother about her rule, and we shifted to using my first name. I understand where my mom was coming from, and I don’t think she’d considered the challenges that would arise if I ever met any online friends in person.
However, I’m still very cautious about what I post online and where, thinking of all the content as a digital paper trail. Always be careful about mentioning details such as where you work or live. Make connections in the early stages by saying something like you “work at a marketing agency in Virginia” rather than providing the business name and city on a public forum. You can think about providing more details privately with a new friend after building up trust.
Although the internet can be an incredible tool for meeting new people, some of those individuals will say things that aren’t necessarily true. You might initially feel thrilled about meeting a fellow introvert who likes many of the same films, music genres, and celebrities as you do. However, don’t overlook that the person could be presenting themselves in certain — potentially misleading — ways just to cause positive reactions. Being careful before disclosing too much information is a practical way to stay safe.
4. Have an open mind, and proceed with hope and caution.
Many of the closest friends I have today are people I only know through the internet. That being said, my experiences haven’t all been smooth, and some were quite discouraging.
So, the best thing you can do is give things a try while keeping an open mind. If things go well, you could have all the joys of a mutually beneficial relationship. Alternatively, if the friendship efforts don’t go as you’d hoped, take a deep breath and try to summon the courage for another try.
Making new friends in person has always been a challenge, but overall, I’ve found the internet can be a great environment for getting to know someone with less pressure. I hope you have similarly good outcomes and find the online world a useful place for creating new friendships as an introvert and finding those who “get” you. 
