A while back, my poetry group did a workshop based on the theme of ‘cosmic horror’ and I had, of course, signed up because I sign up to every workshop. The materials we discuss are always fascinating, the discussions are so much fun, and the poems everyone writes are incredible. I didn’t know what cosmic horror was but I’d been to workshops I’d known little about before and ended up writing poems I was really proud of. Still, I felt like I should do some research since I didn’t know what ‘cosmic horror’ actually was…
I spent several hours googling and searching on different social media platforms – sometimes I find someone describing something in layman’s terms easier to understand – but I wasn’t finding an explanation that really made it click for me. Then I came across this post on Tumblr…
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Reading this, I almost threw up because it explained a feeling I’ve had for as long as I can remember: that the world is horrifying and overwhelming and that living in it is all but unbearable. I don’t know when the pieces clicked together, what it was I learned that triggered that realisation but it’s one that I have never been able to forget even though I have no idea what the root of it is; every day it’s a battle not to be overwhelmed by it. I have never been able to articulate it but I feel like the ant described here. I’m full of emotions I can’t comprehend but can’t forget. I feel like I can’t be a ‘normal’ person ever again because once you learn what the world is really like, you can’t unlearn it. I feel ‘mad’ in the way this post describes. I feel like this ant, screaming and convulsing until it kills me. I’ve never seen or heard anything that comes so close to describing how I feel at the core of who I am as a human being. I can’t tell whether it’s more validating or triggering.
I don’t know how accurate this is as a definition or explanation of cosmic horror but it resonated with me so shockingly that I still feel rattled by it. The poetry workshop was excellent, as usual, and the poems written by the group really blew me away. I didn’t feel able to get that far into the subject matter – all of these feelings were still too raw – but I think I still managed to write some interesting pieces. I’d like to finish them at some point or take them in a different direction if the cosmic horror theme still feels too much.
It’s interesting to me that I found this just as I’ve started somatic therapy sessions, given that somatic therapy is about releasing the trauma you’re carrying in your body, knowingly or unknowingly. I don’t know where this terror of the unknowable, these existential fears, came from but maybe my body does and maybe this therapy will help because I don’t know how much longer I can carry this; an ant can only scream and convulse for so long before it dies.
