“I have to get this right!” It’s a common refrain from people who struggle with perfectionism. It’s also something commonly found among people with autism. Everything has to be a certain way before they can move on from whatever they are doing.
Many perfectionists feel compelled to restart tasks if even the slightest thing goes wrong. This can create bigger issues as they fall behind or blame themselves for something not being done perfectly. However, working together, parents and caregivers can help manage autism and perfectionism.
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Autism Behavior Interventions
What causes perfectionism in autistic people?
While perfectionism has pros and cons, managing it starts with finding specific triggers.
Potential causes for perfectionism among autistic people include:
Need for order and control
Many people with autism may struggle with the lack of control many of us have over things in our lives. That need for order may lead to perfectionistic traits for the aspects of their lives they can control.
Putting things perfectly in order helps them avoid chaos, which can cause or increase anxiety.
Black-and-white thinking
Many people with autism may also have perfectionistic tendencies due to the black-and-white thinking often associated with autism.
Since many autistic people only see things as good and bad or right and wrong, it can create a desire for everything to be rigid and routine. This makes it harder for them to accept mistakes or anything that deviates from what they are accustomed to.
Social challenges
Children on the autism spectrum may also struggle to meet expectations for social norms. These social challenges can lead to a child’s perfectionism as they try to figure out how to be accepted.
These challenges most often manifest in school settings, increasing the pressure to perform perfectly.
Link to identity
People with autism and perfectionism may see the traits as a link to their identity. They may have invested a lot of time acquiring knowledge or expertise about a particular topic, so they must be perfect in any related activity.
My son struggles with perfectionism when it comes to chess. He’s learned so much about the game that he will have a meltdown if he loses due to poor play.
He can handle someone being better, but he must play perfectly, or he overreacts with incessant self-blame.
Challenges of autism and perfectionism
The pressure to be perfect can be overwhelming and negatively affect those struggling with it. Perfectionism can lead to increased stress and anxiety, procrastination, burnout, and social isolation.
These issues can make it difficult for people with autism to function. Perfectionism can make it harder to complete tasks and negatively affect emotional and mental health.
My son’s desire to be perfect extends beyond his affinity for chess. Sometimes, he will restart his schoolwork several times if it’s not exactly how he wants it at any point.
The result doesn’t have to be an error, which should be fixed, but something not turning out how he expected. This has caused him to fall behind on some work and struggle to catch up.
Can perfectionism be a strength?
While dwelling on the perfect outcome can lead to self-blame, perfectionism also has some positive traits that can benefit autistic people.
Perfectionists are often motivated to produce highly focused, high-quality, and detail-oriented work. They will set high standards for themselves and expect to meet those standards.
Autistic people who experience perfectionism are also very diligent and persistent in their actions. Perfectionism can sometimes be harmful, but when used well, it can be a helpful strength for autistic people as they grow older and seek employment.
How to manage perfectionism as an autistic person
Perfectionism may have both positive and negative impacts, but autistic people can try to harness this desire to be perfect into admirable traits and turn it into an advantage.
Don’t let it prevent you from starting
Perfectionists may struggle to start a task because they want it to be perfect. As they continue to envision the outcome, perfectionists can prevent themselves from even beginning by constantly changing their minds about what they want.
Instead of focusing on the finished product, it might help the person to keep an eye on the progress and the small steps they keep taking.
Embrace making mistakes
For a perfectionist, accepting mistakes can be challenging, often causing more errors as they focus on fixing the initial ones.
Instead of focusing on the negative, perfectionists could try to view each mistake as a learning opportunity that allows them to grow. That way, they can apply that experience and prevent themselves from making future errors.
Self-compassion
We are our toughest critics. That’s true for neurotypical people and even more so for autistic people. Many perfectionists with autism will dwell on self-criticism whenever they make a mistake.
People on the spectrum could try practicing self-compassion instead. Realizing everyone has flaws, and not everything has to be perfect can help them manage these issues.
Set realistic goals
Many perfectionists may struggle with a task because they see how they want it to look but aren’t sure how to get there. This makes it appear to be an impossible goal.
Autistic people can instead set more realistic goals, focusing on smaller, easier-to-manage tasks and building towards the finished product.
My wife and I have to set this up for our son when he’s cleaning his room. He gets overwhelmed as he struggles to figure out what he should do and when.
However, when we break down cleaning his room into several different tasks, he’s able to give his best effort in each one rather than allowing negative thoughts to build a worst-case scenario and overwhelm him.
Embrace imperfection and growth
Perfectionism can be one of the greatest assets to autistic people, but it can also create many negative outcomes when the person becomes overwhelmed.
Impossibly high and unrealistic goals sometimes fuel anxiety and increase self-criticism. Perfectionists can also feel underappreciated, as these traits can lead to massive struggles.
However, supporting your close friends and loved ones with autism can make a big difference as they struggle with perfectionism.
Embracing mistakes helps them appreciate near perfection, avoid falling short on important tasks, and keep perfectionism from harming their lives. Perfectionism is a wonderful asset when properly managed.
FAQs
Q: Is perfectionism common in autism?
A: Perfectionism is a common trait among people with autism. It is also linked to anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder, with both having been shown to co-exist with autism spectrum disorder.
Q: What disorder causes perfectionism?
A: While perfectionism has been linked to autism and anxiety, most research has found obsessive-compulsive disorder to be the major cause of perfectionist traits.
Q: What’s at the root of perfectionism?
A: Perfectionism can be driven by several factors, including internal pressures, social cues, early childhood experiences, and mental health issues.
Q: Do people with autism have a fixed mindset?
A: Autistic people can often have a fixed mindset filled with routine and black-and-white thinking. They may also have difficulty tolerating mistakes and feel the need to be as perfect as possible.
Sources
Carmo, C., Oliveira, D., Brás, M., & Faísca, L. (2021). The influence of parental perfectionism and parenting styles on child perfectionism. Children, 8(9), 777. https://www.mdpi.com/2227-9067/8/9/777
Dell’Osso L, Nardi B, Bonelli C, Amatori G, Pereyra MA, Massimetti E, Cremone IM, Pini S, Carpita B. Autistic Traits as Predictors of Increased Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder Severity: The Role of Inflexibility and Communication Impairment. Brain Sci. 2024 Jan 9;14(1):64. doi: 10.3390/brainsci14010064. PMID: 38248279; PMCID: PMC10813392.
Greenaway R, Howlin P. Dysfunctional attitudes and perfectionism and their relationship to anxious and depressive symptoms in boys with autism spectrum disorders. J Autism Dev Disord. 2010 Oct;40(10):1179-87. doi: 10.1007/s10803-010-0977-z. PMID: 20182783
Overholser, J., & Dimaggio, G. (2020). Struggling with perfectionism: When good enough is not good enough. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 76(11), 2019-2027 https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/jclp.23047
