Some people don’t understand why I’m so comfortable with silence. To them, silence is a problem that needs fixing, something they feel compelled to fill with words.
Ever since I was a kid, my family has never understood why I’m so quiet. “You’ve been awfully quiet; do we bore you?” my uncles would ask when I’d sit down with them and just listen. No, I’m not bored — I just don’t have anything to say.
“Are you mad?” my cousins would ask when I didn’t participate as actively as they did in a conversation. No, I’m not mad — that’s just my face.
“What’s wrong? You haven’t said anything in a while,” my mom would say when we were in the car, and I’d spend the whole ride looking out the window. Nothing’s wrong — I’m just thinking.
Why do people assume that being loud equals happiness and that silence means something’s wrong? Sometimes, I just want to listen. And sometimes, I don’t have anything interesting or worthwhile to add to the conversation, so I choose not to talk instead of wasting my energy on empty chitchat. But, unfortunately, my silence often puts me in the spotlight — the absolute last place I want to be.
People Find Silence Unsettling
If I had a nickel for every time someone in my extroverted family felt the unnecessary urge to point out my quietness, I’d probably be able to afford a large house by now. In Beverly Hills.
But I know their reaction is fairly typical. People find silence unsettling, especially in Western cultures. And I get it. For many, silence can trigger anxiety, awkwardness, and uncertainty. It can create uncomfortable moments of self-doubt and self-reflection, which a lot of people avoid because they highlight fears and insecurities.
Still, it amazes me that my family, who’s known me literally my entire life, is always surprised by my quietness. They don’t understand why I’m so comfortable with silence. To them, silence is a problem that needs to be fixed — like an itch they desperately need to scratch. But silence doesn’t have to be a problem. On the contrary, it can be an opportunity to pause, listen, and reflect. We introverts tend to think before we speak, so silence gives us a chance to gather and organize our thoughts before deciding what we want — or don’t want — to share.
We’re so used to constant noise that some people forget not talking is an option when we’re around others. Not everyone needs to fill the room with words just to banish silence. Personally, I don’t like talking just for the sake of it. I’d rather save my social energy than spend it on empty words. When I speak, it’s because I have something worthwhile to add. I don’t like saying unnecessary things that even I don’t want to hear. That’s one of the reasons I hate small talk.
Speaking of which…
Small Talk? No Thanks
In a nutshell, small talk is polite conversation about unimportant or uncontroversial matters. For some, it’s a way to start a conversation and begin to get to know someone. But when the conversation stays stuck in small talk, as it often does, it can be unbearable and excruciating — because introverts prefer discussing deeper, sometimes controversial topics like dreams, fears, the future, big ideas, relationships, and even politics.
I’m sure people sometimes think I’m rude because I can’t participate in conversations built around small talk as easily as they can. I’m not trying to be rude — it just doesn’t come naturally to me. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say when an Uber driver comments on the nice weather or when a chatty coworker says last night’s football game was a nail-biter. Unfortunately, small talk is the cornerstone of socializing — and I’m terrible at it. But I don’t really mind, because that’s not the kind of socializing I’m interested in.
Some people think introverts hate socializing or talking to others, but in reality, few things make us happier than a good conversation. A conversation that allows us to connect deeply with someone and makes time fly by. Those kinds of conversations recharge us and make us feel alive.
Small talk, though, is not that kind of conversation. It allows people to talk without really saying anything meaningful or forming a deep connection. You can’t truly get to know someone by talking about the weather or asking questions like, “How are you?” —which usually leads to polite but surface-level answers like, “I’m fine, and you?”
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Sometimes Small Talk Is Necessary
Of course, sometimes small talk is necessary — there’s a reason it’s the most popular way to break the ice and start a conversation. Understandably, most people feel uncomfortable diving into deeper topics like dreams and fears right away. Some are more gifted than others at the art of talking about nothing.
Personally, I’m awful at it. But there’s nothing wrong with being the quiet listener from time to time, and there’s nothing wrong with choosing not to participate in the conversation if we don’t feel like it, as long as we’re not intentionally rude.
After all, we introverts have a limited amount of social energy, and it’s okay if we don’t want to spend it on mindless banter just to fill the silence. We know silence can be much more than the absence of words. It can be an opportunity to pause, think, and reflect on ourselves and the world around us.
The Pressure to Speak
I used to have a classmate in college who couldn’t bear silence. He was my lab partner in a microbiology class, which meant we spent a lot of time together doing experiments. We were usually by ourselves in the lab because our schedules only allowed us to work at night. We had a friendly relationship, but we weren’t exactly friends — we didn’t have much in common, so we quickly ran out of conversation topics.
I didn’t mind this. I liked working in silence, especially because lab work requires a certain level of precision and concentration that can only be achieved through quiet. My classmate, on the other hand, hated the silence; it seemed to make him uncomfortable. Even when we had nothing to talk about, he felt an unspoken pressure to fill the room with words.
I’m sure everyone has felt this pressure at least once. It’s a societal expectation to avoid the dreaded “uncomfortable silence.” We force ourselves to talk, even when we have nothing to say. But why do we do this? Some people might feel anxious in silence. Others may want to avoid the awkwardness of a quiet room shared with another person. Some might want to escape the self-reflection that silence brings, while others worry the other person might think they’re boring.
I’m not sure why my classmate worked so hard to eliminate the silence when we were in the lab, but it was one of the first times I realized how exhausting it is to talk just for the sake of talking. I had discovered I was an introvert a few months earlier, so I was acutely aware of the fluctuations in my social battery when around others — and nothing drained me more than talking just to avoid silence. So I stopped doing it. I confronted that unspoken pressure to avoid uncomfortable silences that I’m sure we’ve all felt.
I’m sure some people think I’m rude or boring because of this, but so be it. I’d rather save the little social energy I have for moments when I actually have something to say than waste it on meaningless chatter. 
