Dear Neurotypicals,
When I reveal that I have ADHD, I often hear about how “brave” I am for being so “open” and “vulnerable.” Granted, I like hearing that because I’m human and I like compliments. Plus, it’s better than fending off stereotypes about ADHD.
To be totally honest, though, I’m not telling you about my ADHD diagnosis to promote diversity, make you feel more comfortable confiding in me, or whatever other altruistic reason you’re thinking. I’m telling you as an act of self-preservation, often after days of deliberation over whether I will hurt or help my case. Disclosing my ADHD is a carefully calculated risk that’s more about substantive outcomes than feel-good moments.
Explaining ADHD to Someone Who Doesn’t Have It
Disclosing my ADHD is really about showing you the inner workings of my mind. My day-to-day life reminds me of my choir teacher’s advice for onstage performance: “Be like a duck: calm on top and paddling like crazy under the surface.” You can’t see my constant struggles to stay on top of employment, housework, and personal affairs; you can’t hear my every thought scream for my total attention as I fail to hold onto a single one; you certainly can’t feel the smaller effects of ADHD pile on top of each other to create a web of executive dysfunction.
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No matter how calm I seem on the surface, underneath I am paddling through constant self-assessments and adjustments.
Without the context of a diagnosis, I’m a mess. I can’t get anywhere on time. My apartment is filled with projects that I dove into, lost interest in, and can’t bring myself to put away. Efforts to reach out are too easily put off and forgotten. And heaven help you if I’m having more trouble with my emotional regulation than usual.
So, in more casual settings, my telling you about my ADHD is to let you know that nothing’s personal. I didn’t show up 10 minutes late and yawn when you were talking because I hate you and want to disrespect your time. While you certainly have the right to boundaries and shouldn’t just put up with certain behaviors, you should also know that my shortcomings do not reflect how I view our relationship. And, hopefully, you don’t hate me as much after I’ve confided in you.
When Disclosing ADHD, Context Matters
From a professional perspective, my honesty about ADHD could mean the difference between remaining employed or yet another job hunt. I’m sure that never occurred to my managers as they went on about my courage and whatnot – that I had actual goals beyond reveling in feel-good honesty. Not that I would recommend that everyone with ADHD should disclose their diagnosis to employers. Most sources suggest not doing so, and for good reason.
Conscious and unconscious biases are inevitable, and anything that could make me stand out as a problem could also be my undoing. Though I have been open about my diagnosis and received ADA accommodations, I will always wonder if my managers are now keeping a closer eye on me for any slip-up that would go unnoticed if made by a co-worker.
Disclosing a diagnosis, especially one like ADHD that forces me to confront some of my deepest insecurities, is unpleasant at best. I don’t do it for fun. My decision to open up to you was difficult and ultimately made in hopes of some sort of action. Maybe that’s just a bit of patience, or some help navigating a world that was not designed for me.
I trust you enough to give you a chance to understand me better, and, in turn, learn how we can grow together. Please take that chance.
Explaining ADHD: Next Steps
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