Could Your Child Be Autistic? Here Are Seven Subtle Signs.

Most people think that if their child was autistic, they would know. After all, wouldn’t their doctor tell them based on all those checklists? Or wouldn’t the school suggest an IEP?

Yet as a field, we are starting to recognize that autism can sometimes be more subtle (Gabrielsen et al. 2023), as more and more people are starting to get diagnosed later in adolescence or adulthood. Many people who find out about their autism in adulthood wish they had known sooner. For example, reflecting on being diagnosed in adulthood, one autistic adult shared:

 “I was quite distressed and very sad about the lost years in my life and angry about why I hadn’t been diagnosed much earlier” (Lewis 2016).

Knowing your child is autistic can be valuable because it opens the door to better self-understanding for your child, provides opportunities for you to offer support, can guide treatment, allows you and your child to connect to community, and it can help guide you and your child to ask for the right supports (e.g., accommodations for school and preparing for the workplace). Getting a diagnosis empowers you to select the right environments to help them thrive. None of the following characteristics are diagnostic in themselves and it takes a skilled clinician to diagnose a child with autism, but parent input is key.

Here are seven subtle signs that your child might be autistic.

1) Interest-Based Connections

There is a stereotype that autistic children can be found rocking alone in the corner and that they don’t like connecting with others. In fact, many autistic children and adolescents have deep, satisfying relationships and often especially enjoy sharing their knowledge with others.

Many autistic people show interest-based connections. Their relationships may thrive through shared interests. They may sometimes engage in infodumping, in which they might share a great detail about topics they are interested in and take satisfaction in sharing something that makes them happy. If they can find a conversational partner with a similar style, this can be a joyful experience for everyone. In fact, infodumping is considered one of the five neurodivergent love languages.

Maybe your child doesn’t seem to want to get together with other children just to hang out for the sake of hanging out, but you might notice that if their interest is involved (e.g., dance, sports, theater, videogames, animals, trains), they show great enthusiasm.

You might also notice a distinct difference in how they converse. Autistic people often dislike small talk, but they tend to connect based on common ground and shared interests. While your child might seem to glaze over when people talk about the weather, you might notice a sudden increase in energy and enthusiasm when someone mentions Pokemon, Dungeons and Dragons, or World War II.

Autistic youth also often connect online, finding community with other people who think like they do and enjoy some of the same interests, especially video games (Gillespie-Lynch et al. 2014). Many different types of game-playing have been found to provide a strong sense of community and belonging for autistic people (Cross et al. 2024).

2) Masking

Most children and adolescents are a little different at school than at home. And adolescence, especially, is a time of identity development in which most teens try out different styes and ways of interacting. For autistic children, however, masking may be particularly prevalent. Masking (which is not unique to autism, but is common among autistic people), refers to hiding certain traits and purposely taking on more socially acceptable traits to fit in. For example, in one study, an autistic girl shared about her decision to change to be more like a friend:

Autistic youth might read about relationships on Reddit or read psychology-related books to learn about neurotypical socialization. You may notice that autistic children take on the mannerisms of their peers and may even practice making facial expressions in the mirror. A little bit of pretending to be like their peers is common, but if your child seems to take on a totally new persona with other people, they may be masking.

Masking can be a useful skill and even a form of survival, but in the long-term too much masking can lead to poor self-concept and mental health problems (Evans, Krumrei-Mancuso, and Rouse 2024). The coke bottle effect or after-school restraint collapse may also be especially pronounced in autistic children. They may role play as overly compliant and neurotypical throughout the day and then find themselves melting down when the school day ends. (It’s helpful to note that many autistic people can be nonconformists, but they experience a lot of pressure to fit in).

If you notice your child pretending to be someone else on a regular basis, it could be time to help them embrace who they really are, including getting identified as autistic.

3) Nonverbal Communication Differences

Autistic children often make less than typical eye contact and may direct fewer than typical facial expressions to other people. In the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (American Psychiatric Association 2022), this is described as a deficit, because most people in Western cultures make more eye contact and eye contact is considered a sign of respect.

Research suggests, however, that autistic children may actually prefer socializing with peers who use less eye contact and direct fewer facial expressions. In one study, autistic children tended to rate other children who used less eye contact and directed fewer facial expressions as more likeable and they were more likely to want to be their friend. This suggests that this difference in nonverbal communication may be more like a cultural difference in preference rather than an actual problem that autistic people have (e.g., (Granieri et al. 2020).

Other nonverbal communication differences that you might notice include using an unusually loud or quiet voice, using fewer than average gestures, or having a flat facial expression that is difficult for other people to read. If your child shows differences in nonverbal communication that are present across settings, this may be a subtle sign that they are autistic.

4) Stimming

The image that many people have of a classically autistic child is someone jumping and flapping their hands or rocking steadily back and forth. Although rocking and flapping are associated with autism, not all autistic people engage in these behaviors. There are many other subtle types of self-stimulatory behaviors (stimming). For example, flexing one’s feet, finger flicking, and repetitive singing can all be considered forms of stimming (Kapp et al. 2019; Charlton et al. 2021).

Although traditionally repetitive behaviors like this have been considered “nonfunctional” or as something that gets in the way of more useful behavior, research with autistic adults has shown that stimming serves a purpose and is actually a useful coping strategy (Kapp et al. 2019) that can be helpful for self-expression and self-regulation (Charlton et al. 2021). Sometimes stimming involves self-harm, in which case it is problematic, but in many cases, stimming can be a good thing. Everyone engages in some of these self-stimulatory behaviors from time to time, but if your child seems to stim especially often or in unexpected settings, this could be a sign of autism.

5) Special/Focused Interests

Autistic children and teens have a tendency to be passionate about specific areas of interest. Sometimes the interests themselves are unusual (e.g., vacuum cleaners or train schedules) and sometimes the degree of interest is unusual (e.g., paying attention to specific details that do not interest others or devoting large amounts of time to an interest).

Autistic interests themselves are often not particularly unusual. One study showed that the most common special/focused interests among autistic girls were TV and movies, attachments to specific items and objects, music, arts and crafts, and animals (Brown et al. 2024). A number of girls also had a focused interest in psychology, an interest that has also been described by autistic adults (Woods and Estes 2023). The five most popular focused interests for boys were similar: TV/movies, attachments to items/objects, music, toys, and collecting.

Research has shown that engagement in special interests can be helpful academically, for life satisfaction, and, in the future, for employment (Laber-Warren 2021). Dr. Lamar Hardwick, Autism Pastor, talks about how the combination of enjoyment of repetition and strong interests contributes to mastery for many autistic children. If you like doing something over and over again and you love learning about a given topic, that is a perfect recipe for developing mastery. Greta Thunberg, an autistic activist, has discussed how her passion about climate change has helped drive her activism.

Special interests may be especially helpful for adolescents in connecting with like-minded peers. Special/Focused interests can also be useful coping strategies. For example,  Dr. Lucas Harrington, autistic psychologist, shares how his strong interest in psychology helped him stay up to date on the field while he was suffering with a physical illness that made it hard to concentrate on most things. If your child is unusually into something, you may be tempted to steer them away from it to protect them from seeming odd, but by allowing them to embrace their passion, you can send a message that you are also embracing them for who they are.

6) Preference for Sameness and Predictability

Many autistic children and teens respond well to predictability and they may go out of their way to create a predictable world for themselves. For example, they might like to wear the same outfit repeatedly, always order the same thing in restaurants, or follow other routines. They may like to do things in a particular order or they may stick closely to a schedule even when it doesn’t seem important to anyone else.

They may also have difficulty transitioning from one task or place to the next. They may enjoy following rules and helping other people to follow the rules as well. Rules create predictability. The ability to create rules and routines and follow them precisely can be advantageous in helping people organize their lives and reduce anxiety. It may just take some patience from those around them when life gets a little too unpredictable for comfort.

7) Sensory Differences

Autistic children and youth are often sensitive to certain types of sensory input. For example, many autistic children are sensitive to sounds and may cover their ears in response to loud stimuli like noisy public toilets, large crowds, or fireworks. While the downsides of this sensitivity are obvious, enhanced sensitivity may be connected to enhanced skills or perception (Mottron et al. 2006). For example, sometimes autistic people who are more sensitive to sounds are also better at detecting certain sounds (e.g., Brinkert and Remington 2020).

Some autistic people are able to use their sensory differences as coping strategies. For example, Ivanova Smith, autistic advocate, shares how their strong ability to visualize allowed them to create images of their own creative characters, and focus in on them when they were feeling distressed.

Sound isn’t the only area of sensitivity for autistic children and teens. Some may be sensitive to smells (Tonacci et al. 2017), overwhelmed by bright lights (Martin and Wilkins 2022), particular about what they will eat (Baraskewich et al. 2021), or have tactile sensitivity that makes tight hugs or certain types of clothing hard to tolerate (Kyriacou, Forrester-Jones, and Triantafyllopoulou 2023).

Some autistic children are diagnosed first with sensory processing disorder or classified as “highly sensitive children” and then later diagnosed with autism. If your child seems to have heightened attention to sensory details and is also overwhelmed by certain types of input (in addition to other signs), it may make sense to consider autism.

If many of these subtle characteristics remind you of your child or teen, they might be autistic. Knowing this early can help you better understand them—and help them better understand themselves. Being aware of these signs can also give you a chance to help them build community by meeting other autistic people their age, and learning from people in the autistic community. It can also help you find accommodations for school and the workplace and for clinical care (e.g., find a therapist with expertise in autism) and you may be able to explore ways to use their strengths to maximize their potential.

If many of these traits remind you of your child or teen, consider getting a comprehensive assessment from a professional who understands autism well and can help you and your child understand their particular profile. Also, take time to educate yourself about the neurodiversity movement from neurodiversity-affirming publications like this one and continue to celebrate your child for who they are, whether they are autistic or not.

References

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