Infatuation occurs when you idealize someone, and for introverts — who live in a world of meaning and ideas — it can be particularly disheartening.
What does it mean to be an introvert? You’re someone who enjoys your own company and doesn’t always need others to recharge your batteries or stimulate your mind. In other words, your inner world often outshines what’s happening in the outer world — and that can be a beautiful thing! We introverts often possess unique talents that allow us to make a big impact in our communities and beyond.
Introverts also tend to have great depth in their thoughts, values, and emotions. If you’re a highly sensitive introvert, you might even absorb the emotions of people around you. Whether it’s cognitive or emotional, once we become fully immersed in something, it can be difficult to pull ourselves away.
In fact, introverts may sometimes struggle to get out of their own heads. As we spend extra time contemplating, analyzing, and interpreting what’s happening in our lives, we can become prisoners of our own thoughts. I’ve been there myself. This is especially true when an introvert becomes infatuated with someone.
So, should introverts be guarded when first entering a relationship? Not necessarily. Let’s first explore what infatuation means, and then I’ll share how you can avoid its pitfalls.
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What Is Infatuation?
Infatuation is often based on psychological projection, where we assign false beliefs to the person we’re infatuated with. While true love is built on a deeper understanding of someone’s strengths and weaknesses, infatuation is rooted in idealizing that person.
In other words, both love and infatuation involve falling for someone, but love embraces truth and reality, while infatuation feeds on perception. You might put the person “on a pedestal,” but that image may be far from who they really are.
For instance, you might meet someone who seems perfect in every way — they’re kind, charming, and share many of your hobbies and interests. In the excitement of getting to know them, you might start imagining that they’re flawless. You believe they never get angry, are always thoughtful, and would never let you down. This is infatuation at work — your mind is creating an idealized version of this person.
Infatuation can be challenging for anyone, but for introverts, it might be especially problematic. Introverts naturally live in the world of deep meaning and ideas — something that makes us great at fields like writing. But when it comes to infatuation, idealizing someone can be especially disappointing. Infatuated people pin their hopes and dreams on the object of their affection, and introverts, who are great at finding meaning in things, might feel this even more strongly. This combination of false perception and the need for meaning can hit introverts particularly hard.
When the initial high of infatuation fades, disillusionment can set in. Just as neurotransmitters flood our brain during the highs of infatuation, their absence can leave us feeling sad or empty.
Luckily, by using our inner strength and critical thinking, we introverts can avoid the pitfalls of infatuation altogether.
How to Avoid the Infatuation Trap
You’ve just met someone who seems like the epitome of wonderful. You have butterflies in your stomach, your toes curl, and you can’t think straight whenever you’re around them.
Is this love? Not necessarily.
If you’ve just met someone, that may not be the answer you want to hear — but let me explain. None of us, including introverts (who excel at observing and analyzing others), have perfect foresight when it comes to meeting or dating someone new.
While those intense feelings can be part of a loving, healthy relationship, they can just as easily describe infatuation. A key sign of infatuation is when you find yourself behaving in ways that are different from how you normally act. You might even feel like you’re not being your true self, or that being yourself makes you uncomfortable.
For introverts, feelings of social discomfort or anxiety can make things more complicated. Since we don’t spend as much time around others, it can be harder for us to interpret emotions or situations in social settings right away. Introverts’ brains process this kind of information somewhat differently from extroverts.
With that in mind, it’s important for introverts to ask themselves a few key questions when they find themselves in a potential infatuation scenario:
1. How well do I really know this person?
Since infatuation is often based on projection, it’s important to tap into your rational thinking. Are you sure you truly know this person, or are you just seeing an idealized version of them? Perception isn’t always reality.
Introverts may not prioritize socializing as much as extroverts, since it can easily feel draining. But in this case, it’s crucial to understand the person’s social life, including who they spend time with and what they do in their free time. Think of it this way: If you’re going to invest your time and emotions in this person, it makes sense to do your homework.
Do they enjoy the same activities as you? Does their social group make you feel comfortable? Do your interactions with them always feel genuine? Answering these questions will help you gain clarity about who they really are.
Once you’ve reflected on these points, you’ll have a better sense of whether your connection is based on love or infatuation. If you’re questioning whether you really love them, it’s all the more important to get to know all sides of who they are.
2. What kinds of feelings has this person shown toward me?
Healthy relationships, including love, are based on reciprocity. To gauge this, ask yourself: Has this person shown the same level of interest in me as I have in them? Have they reciprocated with similar signs of affection? Am I being treated with respect and sincerity?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, it’s important to rethink your involvement with this person. Introverts are often great at self-reflection, so being honest with yourself is key here. A big part of infatuation is the fantasy that a perfect relationship will follow, so it’s crucial to get a realistic understanding of what you can actually expect from the other person.
Are you an introvert who shuts down around the people you’re attracted to?
As an introvert, you actually have the amazing ability to be irresistible, without forcing yourself to talk more. It all starts with recognizing the most common myths about dating and learning a framework for fun, flirty conversations — no extroversion needed. To learn how to connect with your true sensuality, relax, and open up on dates, we recommend Michaela Chung’s online courses for introverted men and introverted women.
3. Is there anything about this person that makes me feel uncomfortable or unsure?
If you’re feeling confident in your answers to the previous questions, you’re likely considering taking things further with this person. However, it’s important to think about what a future with them might look like. True love is built on honesty, so any potential relationship deserves the same level of honest reflection.
To start answering this question, you need to look within and consider your core values. Shared values are often what keep people together. For example, you might value honesty, living a quiet life, or personal growth. While people may differ in personality, opinions, culture, or even politics and religion, these differences tend to matter less when there are shared values at the foundation of a relationship. It’s no coincidence that both awe-inspiring events and global catastrophes evoke similar reactions of support and empathy across cultures.
Begin by asking yourself these questions:
- Does this person treat others with respect and compassion?
- Are there any significant differences in our values that make me uncomfortable?
- Is this person consistent in how they live their life, or is there a side to them that feels hidden or unclear?
By answering these questions, you affirm your own values, which is an act of self-respect. Once you’ve answered from a clear, well-developed, and consistent perspective (something introverts excel at), you’ll have a better sense of whether your connection with this person is deep and meaningful — or just a case of infatuation.
Some Parting Words
Introverts are highly talented, intelligent, and deep-thinking people, but just like anyone else, we “quiet ones” can fall into the trap of infatuation. In our search for meaning, we may find ourselves more vulnerable than we’d like.
The answer isn’t to shut yourself off from these feelings but to approach them with openness. Take the time to fully understand the other person, both their strengths and their flaws. Invest enough in the relationship to discern their true feelings and intentions. And, most importantly, consider whether their values align with the core values that shape how you live your life.
If you’re currently caught in the pull of infatuation, I know it can feel overwhelming, as if you’ll never break free. But with your capacity for deep thought and strong resolve, trust that you have the strength to avoid or overcome infatuation — I’m (quietly) cheering you on. 
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