If you’ve ever felt exhausted from socializing, there’s a very real reason — it has to do with our unique wiring as introverts.
An extrovert and an introvert walk into a bar. It’s a Saturday night, so the place is buzzing with energy. A cover band croons away on stage while groups of people stand around, clutching drinks and nearly shouting to be heard.
The extrovert takes in the scene and feels a surge of excitement. He sees social opportunities everywhere — an attractive woman at the bar, friends to chat with, and the chance to cut loose and have fun. He walks straight up to his group of friends, gives one of them a hearty slap on the back, and orders a beer.
The introvert experiences the situation differently. He hangs back for a moment, surveying the scene and taking everything in. Then, he quietly joins his friends. He feels a bit overwhelmed, drowning in the noise and activity, but he tells himself to relax — this is supposed to be fun, after all.
And for a while, the introvert does have fun. But it doesn’t last.
Soon, the introvert starts to feel tired. Really tired. Not only does his body feel physically fatigued, but his mind becomes foggy and slow (and not just from the drinks). He desperately wants to head home — or at least step outside — where it’s quiet and calm, and he can be alone. He’s already getting an introvert hangover.
He glances over at the extrovert, who’s still chatting away with friends. The extrovert doesn’t show any signs of slowing down. In fact, he looks even more energized than when they arrived.
Sound familiar?
If you’ve ever felt exhausted from socializing, there’s a very real reason. Here’s the science behind why socializing can be draining for us “quiet ones” — it has to do with our unique wiring as introverts.
You can thrive as an introvert or a sensitive person in a loud world. Subscribe to our newsletter. Once a week, you’ll get empowering tips and insights in your inbox. Click here to subscribe.
Socializing Can Be Draining for Everyone
First, let’s clear a few things up. The scenario above is just an example and a generalization. Not every extrovert spends their weekends partying, and sometimes, we introverts live it up, too. We all exhibit introverted behavior at times and extroverted behavior at others. According to the famed Carl Jung, the founder of analytical psychology, there’s no such thing as a “pure” introvert or extrovert. We all fall somewhere on the spectrum that defines introversion and extroversion.
Another point to consider: Socializing is actually draining for everyone eventually. A 2016 study from the University of Helsinki found that participants reported higher levels of fatigue three hours after socializing — whether they were introverts or extroverts. How tired they felt depended on several factors: how many people they’d met, the intensity of the interaction, and whether they had a specific goal in mind.
It makes sense that both introverts and extroverts would feel tired after socializing, as it expends energy. You have to talk, listen, and process what’s being said, among other things.
However, there are some very real differences between introverts and extroverts.
Introverts, Extroverts, and Rewards
These differences stem from how we respond to rewards. Rewards can be things like getting the phone number of an attractive stranger, getting promoted at work, or enjoying a delicious meal.
We all enjoy rewards, and we all desire them. But introverts and extroverts react differently to them.
To understand why socializing can quickly wear out introverts, I spoke with Colin DeYoung, a psychology professor at the University of Minnesota, who recently published a paper on introversion. I was conducting research for my book, The Secret Lives of Introverts. DeYoung, like other experts, believes that extroverts have a more activated dopamine system than introverts.
What Is Dopamine?
Dopamine is a neurotransmitter that plays a crucial role in the body’s communication system, helping to control various functions by sending signals between the brain and the body. Often referred to as the “feel-good hormone,” it’s associated with positive emotions like bliss, euphoria, and concentration. Dopamine is vital for a wide range of bodily functions, from movement to sleep to mood regulation. When you experience pleasure — such as eating your favorite foods or during sex — your brain releases dopamine.
However, there can be a dark side to dopamine. It’s strongly linked to addiction. Some recreational drugs, for example, stimulate the release of dopamine and increase its levels in the brain, leading to dependency. That’s how powerful dopamine can be.
Social media platforms tap into the power of dopamine, giving you a boost of it when you watch a funny video or receive likes on your post. This is what keeps you scrolling, even when you know you have better things to do than stare at your phone. In this way, dopamine can keep us hooked on endless scrolling.
Extroverts Have a More Active Dopamine System
So, what does this have to do with socializing?
Because extroverts have a more active dopamine system, they get more excited by the possibility of reward. Dopamine energizes them to strike up a conversation with a stranger or stay at the bar until last call. Even though these activities can be tiring, dopamine reduces the cost of effort, much like getting a shot of espresso before running a race.
Dopamine even explains why extroverts might talk louder, faster, and with more confidence. These behaviors draw more attention to themselves and increase their chances of gaining social rewards.
Introverts have dopamine, too, but our dopamine system isn’t as “turned up” as that of an extrovert. We’re simply not as driven to pursue the same rewards that extroverts chase.
Having a less active dopamine system also means that introverts may find certain levels of stimulation — like loud noise and lots of activity — to be overwhelming, annoying, and exhausting. This explains why the introvert in the bar scenario was ready to leave after a while.
Want to feel more at ease in social situations?
Discover the secrets to enjoying fun, meaningful conversations. Know exactly what to say, even if you’re introverted, shy, or anxious. Feel less drained and have more energy while socializing. Click here to secure your spot in Jenn Granneman’s upcoming course, Easy Conversation.
The Introvert’s Superpower
Introverts don’t seek rewards to the same degree that extroverts do. Is this a bad thing? In my opinion, no. It’s actually the introvert’s superpower.
We all know that one friend who partied too hard and paid the price, or the workaholic who compromised her health and relationships. These are people who chased rewards — hard.
Instead of seeking external validation, introverts tend to turn inward. They might research topics simply for the joy of learning something new. In their careers, they seek a calling that’s more than just a paycheck. They desire depth and intimacy in their relationships — a connection that is mind-to-mind and heart-to-heart — rather than an abundance of casual acquaintances.
I’m not suggesting that all extroverts are shallow and all introverts are deep. That’s simply not true. Sometimes extroverts pursue quiet, intrinsically rewarding activities; sometimes introverts seek status and other external rewards. A healthy, successful life for anyone should include a mix of both.
When writing my book, I asked introverts to share what motivates and energizes them. They all mentioned low-key activities, like a solo shopping trip, a meaningful conversation with a friend, finishing a good book, or expressing themselves through art. If it weren’t for the introvert’s less active dopamine system, they might not engage in these activities as much. The introvert’s way isn’t about chasing rewards but rather about seeking meaning. 
You might like:
Image credit: @adamkuylenstierna via Twenty20
We participate in the Amazon affiliate program.
