One sign of a toxic relationship is that they undermine your self-efficacy because they lack their own.
As introverts, we place a high value on our few close relationships — especially those that make us feel comfortable. However, this can sometimes cloud our judgment about who is truly a healthy presence in our lives.
Personal relationships play a major role in everyone’s life. Any kind of relationship can affect us — romantic, platonic, familial, workplace, and beyond. That’s why it’s important to recognize and address issues within our relationships, so we can surround ourselves with people who lift us up rather than bring us down.
Drawing from my background in psychology and my experiences as an introvert, I’ll highlight behaviors you may want to distance yourself from for the sake of your mental well-being.
Quick disclaimer: Everyone is unique and on their own journey. Always treat others with compassion. This article is not intended to single out or stigmatize those who are struggling.
Signs a Relationship Might Be Toxic for Introverts
1. They undermine your self-efficacy because they lack their own.
Self-efficacy refers to an individual’s confidence in their own abilities. People with little or damaged self-efficacy often seek external validation. What does this look like? A few examples come to mind:
- The chronically online friend who lives for likes and approval from strangers.
- The stagnating romantic partner who doesn’t believe they can do better in the relationship.
- The chatty coworker who endlessly sucks up to the boss and resents others for excelling.
These individuals may, consciously or not, latch onto those with a stronger sense of purpose.
As an introvert, you likely spend plenty of time alone, developing your own hobbies and passions. You recharge through solitude, which requires a certain degree of self-confidence. Because you’re always evolving and adapting to your experiences, you’re naturally growth-oriented.
If it feels like certain people in your life are feeding off your quiet confidence while making no effort to build their own, it may be a sign that they are struggling with self-efficacy — and relying on you to fill the gap.
2. They call attention to insignificant flaws.
Some people just don’t follow the 30-second rule: If someone can fix it in 30 seconds, tell them. If not, keep it to yourself.
- Food in their teeth? Yes, let them know.
- Crooked teeth? No, there’s no reason to point it out.
I struggled with acne as a teenager and into young adulthood. When I was about 19, I was out to eat with my boyfriend at the time and a friend. Out of nowhere, my boyfriend looked at me and said, “Wow, you do have a lot of acne.” My friend and I were both incredulous — why would he feel the need to say that?
Introverts may be especially sensitive to these kinds of comments. We choose our inner circle carefully, so it stings when someone we once thought was safe proves otherwise. It’s easy to give people the benefit of the doubt because we don’t want to believe that those close to us would intentionally hurt us.
I’ve been guilty of tolerating these comments for the sake of keeping the peace, holding on to relationships I once felt close to. But the truth is, unless it’s in a medical setting, there’s no need to call attention to physical traits someone can’t control. These remarks don’t serve any real purpose — they only damage self-esteem and strain relationships.
When these comments happen often, they start to chip away at our confidence, leaving us resentful — toward ourselves and toward the person making them. If someone specific comes to mind as you’re reading this, ask yourself:
What do I gain by allowing this person to say these things to me?
3. They make you feel ashamed.
These are the people who constantly nitpick at you — not to help, but to undermine you. This type of dynamic is especially common in the workplace. While it may seem similar to the previous point, this behavior is more shame-based.
It often happens when someone wants to assert dominance over you. Maybe they’re in a higher position but feel insecure in their role, so they aggressively micromanage those below them to compensate. Or perhaps it’s a jealous coworker who resents your competence or confidence.
If your cheeks feel hot after interacting with someone like this, they may be deliberately trying to make you feel ashamed. People can often sense when you have a strong sense of self — which, as an introvert, you likely do. But there’s a big difference between constructive feedback and shaming someone.
Ask yourself: Are their criticisms objective or subjective?
- Are they pointing out a legitimate mistake to help you improve?
- Or are they nitpicking for the sake of making you feel small?
If it’s the latter, consider whether the mental toll of this relationship is worth whatever benefits come with it. You deserve to be in environments where you are supported — not torn down.
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4. They refuse to apologize.
Some people simply won’t apologize when they’ve done something wrong — or, if they do, it’s only to keep the relationship intact, not because they genuinely regret their actions.
A good way to spot an insincere apology? Look for phrases like “Sorry if…” or “I’m sorry you feel that way.” These statements imply that an apology may not even be necessary or shift the blame onto you for having feelings about what happened.
In some cases, people apologize not because they care about making amends, but because they want to maintain their image or avoid conflict. These individuals don’t respect you enough to take responsibility for their actions — so why should they have a place in your life?
I once had a friend who was notorious for this. He would openly insult people and, when confronted, would say, “Sorry if that offends you.” It wasn’t a real apology — it was a way to dismiss the other person’s feelings. As introverts, we may already struggle to speak up for ourselves, and when we do, it’s even more disheartening to be met with a half-hearted apology or outright defensiveness.
Some people will go a step further and try to make you feel like you aren’t owed an apology at all. This can be tricky to navigate, as their defensiveness can wear you down over time.
But remember to stand firm in your truth. As I’ve mentioned before, you likely have a strong sense of self — trust it, and don’t let anyone take that from you.
5. They’re unwilling to celebrate your success.
Some people simply can’t bring themselves to be happy for others. Life is full of ups and downs, successes and failures. No one is inherently destined for success or failure — so there’s little reason to be resentful of someone else’s achievements.
That said, life comes with barriers, some of which are beyond our control. But those who take charge of what they can control and work to build better lives for themselves are sometimes met with jealousy and criticism from others. This often happens when people feel stuck in their own lives and lash out at those who are moving forward.
This can be especially painful if you’ve worked hard to get where you are. As an introvert, you likely spend a lot of time alone, reflecting and improving yourself. When someone close to you refuses to celebrate your success — or worse, tries to diminish it — it can feel disheartening.
(Here’s the science behind why introverts need alone time.)
Compassion can be a valuable tool in navigating these relationships. If you view others with compassion, you’ll often see that their negativity is more about them than it is about you. People who struggle with their own self-worth may have trouble recognizing and celebrating someone else’s accomplishments.
This is especially common in long-term friendships that began in adolescence. Lifelong friends can be a gift, but as people grow, they may evolve in ways that are no longer healthy for you. This often happens when someone feels like they are falling behind on their social clock — a concept introduced by social psychologist Bernice Neugarten. The social clock refers to the societal expectation that people should reach certain life milestones (career success, relationships, family, etc.) at specific ages. If you’re relatively “on time” with your social clock while they feel behind, they may become resentful. Instead of celebrating your wins, they might expect their own accomplishments to take center stage, craving validation they struggle to find elsewhere.
It’s important to remember that everyone has their own path in life, and the social clock is not a rule. The healthiest relationships are with people who celebrate your growth, not those who see it as a threat.
So Now What?
Maybe you’ve read through this list and realized that some people in your life display these behaviors. So, what’s the best way to handle it?
The ideal approach is to speak with a mental health professional who can help you navigate your unique situation. However, that may not always be an option.
If you need to address the issue directly, take a moment to assess how the person might react. You can’t predict their exact response, but you can gauge whether it’s safe or worthwhile to have the conversation.
Other times, the best approach is to quietly step away when possible. Confrontation is rarely a preferred method for introverts — at least for me, it never has been.
It’s also important to remember that anyone can exhibit these behaviors at times — even ourselves. We’re all human, and life is rarely black and white.
Above all, approach the situation with compassion. Most people don’t set out to drag others down — though those who do are often struggling themselves.
As the saying goes:
“Hurt people hurt people. We are not being judgmental by separating ourselves from such people. But we should do so with compassion.” –Will Bowen
In the end, protecting your peace doesn’t mean lacking empathy — it means recognizing when a relationship is no longer healthy and giving yourself permission to walk away. 
